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Husband Wants Sex, Wife Doesn’t
A husband has tried everything to get his wife interested in sex, but to no avail. Our experts address the issue with specific steps for the husband to take.
I have tried books, romance, dating, toys, lubes, movies (not hardcore, but those on how to find the G-spot or creative lovemaking), and fantasy magazines. I am at the end of my rope and to be honest, if we did not have children, I would have probably left a long time ago. Please understand, I do love my wife and I consider her the best person I know, but I'm tired of being lonely and I'm damn sure tired of finding mostly stories about how bad all us men are. Any tips would help. Thanks!
So, what happens when a spouse thinks their partner is lousy in bed or doesn’t have the same sex drive as you? First, it creates resentment and frustration. Second, it opens up the door for the person, whose needs are not being met, to consider leaving the relationship; or worse, cheat on them and possibly bringing home a STD. This is what we hope for you to avoid!
You obviously are trying different ways to spice it up sexually! Great job! So, what is holding her back?
There are times in all relationships where the sex becomes a little dull, but if you are ready to leave then it is time for a serious chat with her. Maybe she just doesn’t get the severity of your frustration and thinks this is the way that marriage works. Did she come from a loving family or one that is very detached from their emotions and bodies? It all makes a difference as to how much she is able to open her mind and try to want to become more sexually free for her and for you!
Most of us learn how to be a spouse from watching our parents. Not the best way to learn, but it does give us patterns as to how to deal with sexual needs and our ability to allow ourselves to be sexually open-minded, or not. But it can change if the desire is there on both sides.
It sounds here as if the responsibility for initiating sexual encounters is falling predominately on you, the male spouse. We often hear the frustration of not having a female partner who tries to initiate or seduce their guy—even though he really likes this part of sex play. Many men want their wife to spice up their sexual relationships by role playing with costumes or pretending they are strangers or any other ways to show their wild, impulsive side. There is nothing wrong with wanting your spouse to also be your best fantasy. Some women were taught that sex is to be tolerated, but not enjoyed—so they merely "fulfill their wifely duties." This is sad, but many women are not programmed to allow themselves to be a "bad girl," or "slutty" in the bedroom. Many women may not even know if they are having an orgasm because they have not explored themselves (masturbation) in order to find out what really feels good to them.
This is the perfect time to consider having a heart-to-heart talk about how you envision your intimate life together. Your sexuality and your sexual needs are a normal part of being a romantic couple. Being a happily married couple involves talking about your sex life to make sure that both people are having a sexually satisfying life, just as you would talk about your other goals and dreams. Most of us get bored with doing the same old sex routine all of the time. Although it is safe and predictable, there are so many more ways that couples can spice it up and have a great time.
So how do you start the conversation? You could begin by saying that you feel your sexual needs are not being met. You always want to have these conversations in a non-sexual encounter, without the kids around, and give her the clue that you want to talk about your levels of intimacy. If she is not ready to have this conversation at that moment, ask to make special time for this talk, as it is important to you.
Here are some questions that need to be discussed:
* Does she understand that you are sexually frustrated and that being sexually compatible is important to you?
* Does she know that you considered leaving her for this reason?
* Does she feel pressured to have sex? Does she enjoy sex with you?
* Does she orgasm every time you have a sexual encounter? If not, is she faking it?
* How can she show you what feels good to her, or can she use words during intimacy to coach you better?
* Does she have any fantasies that she might want to explore? What about yours?
* Does she have anything in her personal history that has turned her off to sex?
* Does she find that you want to have sex when she is too tired or distracted? Try morning sex!
* Is she willing to try different kinds of sex play and experiment with you in a safe environment?
In our research, we have found that the couple’s that have lasting, happy relationships are able to have these conversations without anger and resentment. There should be no negative judgment, and no blaming. This communication is just a reality check that something isn’t working for one of you. When you can have these types of conversations, every conversation becomes easier. You clearly want her to be your "intimate, erotic, friend" and she needs to hear these words in order for her to want to try to go outside of her comfort zone and learn to play dress up and to want to become more sexually confident. Nothing will change in your relationship unless you are both committed to enhancing your sexual connection.
Normally, we would suggest a night of mutual masturbation, literally showing your spouse what feels good in order to climax, but she has to feel comfortable enough with her body to do this—to have an orgasm in front of you. Also, taking more time during foreplay (outercourse) will help her to feel like her needs are being met. Does she like you to perform oral sex on her? Take a night and make it all about her pleasure to show her how great sex can feel!
We are saddened when "sex experts" say that men are all bad, since they probably never hear from men like you who want to have a great sexual connection with their wives! The love that you share is obvious when you ask for help despite your frustration. We love hearing from men like you!
We hope that you can talk to each other and rekindle the passion that you both deserve. It starts with a safe, loving chat and tender touching. Reaffirm your love for her with words and hopefully your patience will be rewarded and your sexual connection will be revitalized!
Dr. Joni Frater & Esther Lastique are the founders of www.LoveHerRight.com and www.PassionateLifeClub.com and the authors of "Love Her Right: The Married Man’s Guide to Lesbian Secrets for Great Sex!" Visit their college website www.SexEdBootcamp.com for more links and general sex ed information and for more information about their Love Warrior Challenge, live appearances, and seminar classes. At www.LoveHerRightStore.com use the discount code HITCHED for a 15% discount! To purchase their book, please click here.
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