Healing a Low-Sex Marriage Use these 7 tips to lead your marriage on the path to sexual healing. BY DENISE J CHARLES M. ED
When one person has a low sex drive it can raise complications.
“ From talking to a number of individuals and couples over time, the one thing I have recognized is that while sex is one of those acts we are prepared to do, it is often not one we prefer to discuss
I still smile when I remember my wedding day preparations, as I’m sure many of you can; there was much emphasis on the honeymoon. Today, at bridal showers and bachelor’s parties, many still endure the cheeky jokes and teasing, which for the most part suggest that the honeymoon experience will be a passionate, rip-roaring success.
So what exactly happens to this unbridled passion a couple of years down the road?
A sexless marriage or a union where the sexual intimacy has gone kaput seems to be a very real problem for an increasingly large numbers of couples. Of course, there are several couples still enjoying adequate sex and maybe even a smaller group is having a sexual experience, which they may describe as "over-the-top."
In whatever category you and your spouse find yourself, chances are you may still have experienced your share of sexual rejection in your relationship. You may have had to endure a season or a fleeting occasion when your spouse has not been in the mood to make love. When the no-sex or low-sex issue becomes habitual, however, then any couple experiencing this has cause for concern. This is especially so when one party is never in the mood and the other always or usually is. How can a couple attempt to tackle this problem of a no-sex or of a low-sex marriage?
While each of us may not realistically match the national average of 2.5 times per week, it is imperative that the importance of sexual intimacy to marriage is not trivialized. This is at the core of the issue. Does each member of the marriage partnership understand the importance of sexual connection? Are both parties even on the same philosophical page where sex is concerned? Do both partners share a similar value when it comes to sexual intimacy? What other issue could possibly be at the heart of such a problem?
From talking to a number of individuals and couples over time, the one thing I have recognized is that while sex is one of those acts we are prepared to do, it is often not one we prefer to discuss. As a result of this key area of neglect in the relationship, a couple may not even recognize that there is serious disparity in how they view sex.
So, if you have this hurdle of no sex or inadequate sex in your marriage than here are seven tips that will help you on the path to sexual healing.
Define individual sexual expectations: We all know about Mars and Venus in the bedroom and the reality that men and women can be poles apart when it comes to sexual desire and even their view of sex. Be that as it may, it is necessary that partners discuss with one another their sexual needs and wants—particularly as this relates to regularity.
Acknowledge sexual desire differences: I love sex, but no matter how much sex I have with my husband, he always wants more. I have just come to accept this as a fact of my life. This could also be experienced in the reverse where a wife’s desire for sex is greater than her husband’s. A couple must learn not to make this issue a deal-breaker, but should allow love and the desire to make their partner happy. Mitigate how they will negotiate the reality of unmatched sexual desire.
Develop sensitivity with a low-sexual desire mate: Having acknowledged that there are sexual differences between men and women and that we should pander to our partner’s needs as much as is humanly or realistically possible, there is always the other side. A spouse who loves to constantly heat it up must still learn how to cool it down. This simply means respecting a partner who has a lesser desire. This means no sexual bullying, begging, manipulating or demanding. I admit this is a tough act to follow, but it is made easier when the low-desire spouse is also understanding in the situation. At the same time, demanding your "sexual rights" can also be counter-productive and can serve to further fan the flames of resentment in the marriage.
Explore, explore, explore: Get to the heart of the issue or issues that may be at the root of inhibited sexual desire. What about un-confessed infidelity and the resulting guilt or a sexual-orientation issue that is hidden? Does your spouse feel loved and affirmed by you outside of the bedroom? Are you interested in your spouse as a whole person or do you just want to use their genitals for your sexual release? Confronting these issues honestly between you may be the first step to sexual healing.
Strengthen your intimacy-capacity: We were made for human connection and intimacy. It is this human drive and instinct which motivates us to seek a life partner in the first place. But intimacy in a relationship is not automatic. It must be groomed and nurtured through cultivating an environment characterized by deep sharing, communication and couple-time. You can’t be intimate if you don’t talk, date or create exclusive time for one another, which ultimately defines your relationship. Making your spouse’s needs a priority communicates their value to you and is an excellent way of breaking down the barriers to a great sex life.
Seek the assistance of a counselor or doctor: The issues which inhibit sexual desire may be deep and psychological or they may be medical. Hormone fluctuations, medication, past sexual trauma, or undiagnosed illness can all have an impact on our desire for sex. What about your sexual "skill;" do you even know what you’re doing in bed or is your partner turned off by your failure to "take care of business" in the sack? Before writing your spouse off as a sexual freak, seek professional help together. Therapy, medication or even ideas for improving your sexual skills may be the answer to boosting sexual desire.
Bite the bullet and have sex: Okay, so you don’t exactly feel like getting it on tonight, tomorrow night or the next day. But life does not just revolve around you. If you are "me-obsessed" and can’t see past your own nose, ask your spouse about how you come across. Do you seem hard, selfish and cruel even? You just might be shocked about what your spouse reveals. Marriage, by its very definition, is a partnership that should be based on mutual love and respect. And love is about putting the needs of another before your own; this definitely includes your spouse’s sexual needs. Am I suggesting that you become your spouse’s sex slave and that you can never say no to sex? Of course not! But compromise and communication are critical to emerging a sex life that you both can be comfortable with and enjoy. And for ladies who love to put emphasis on the need for intimacy in marriage, there is nothing like sexual intimacy to set the ball rolling.