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Overcoming Low Sexual Desire in Marriage
5 tips that will get you and your spouse back on the right track.
What that means for you is: if you have negative thoughts towards sex before, during and after the sexual encounter, it will profoundly dampen your desire to have sex.
I call it the, "oh crap" phenomenon—"Oh crap, do I have to have sex tonight," or "Oh crap, you want sex now! Can’t you see I’m exhausted?"
To get back your sexual desire, you need to start having positive thoughts towards sex. Think about something that is an indulgence—a bath, a professional massage, reading a book uninterrupted for an hour. You look forward to these times because it’s all about you as it is a nurturing space.
This is how you should feel when going into the sexual experience—it’s all about you, and your needs, wants and desires do matter and will be attended to.
There are many ways to overcome a low sexual desire, and I’ve listed the top five below. However, if you are experiencing marital difficulty in other areas—over finance, children, inequitable distribution of household chores—you must work through these first. Women tend to hold on to and not forget these hurts, making it that much more difficult to have any sexual desire.
That said, pick one of five, think about it and move into action:
1. Sex is So Much More Than Having an Orgasm
The irony of women’s emancipation is men and women were told that once a woman got her orgasm, she would be sexually satisfied. Surprise!
Healthy women can and do consistently have an orgasm but still have no sexual desire. Regrettably, couples looking for answers to their sexual woes focus on having a bigger, better orgasm—via sex positions, sex toys, g-spot orgasm, etc.
Having an orgasm is about 5 percent of what sex is. Therefore, you need to refocus your attention to the sensual side of sex.
2. Your Needs Are Equal
There’s a shift when couples move into a long-term relationship, like marriage, where too many women stop asking for what she wants.
Sex becomes less satisfying because she does not discuss that her sexual needs have changed and are not being met. Add to this, women resent that in order for the sex to be "successful," he must always have his grand finale orgasm. This leaves too many women feeling like her needs always come second to his.
Women, you are half of the sex team. Your needs are as important as his. To enjoy sex again, you can no longer take a back seat.
3. Know What You Want
If you’re not happy with the way sex is in your relationship, then you have to know what you want out of the sexual experience.
Generally, many women want to be nurtured—that’s why every sex expert under the sun professes, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Unfortunately, too many women skip foreplay because they just want to get the sex over with.
Not having the kind of sex you want creates a chicken and egg situation of, you’re never aroused enough during sex because your sexual needs aren’t being met; and you don’t look forward to sex (a.k.a. sexual desire) because you are never aroused enough during the sexual experience.
4. Get Back In Touch With Your Body
Women live inside their head and disconnect themselves from their necks down. Multitasking is great everywhere but the bedroom. A woman must allow herself to bask in her amazing senses—taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing. Not only that, be okay with unabashedly taking sensual pleasure from the sexual experience.
Your body is an absolute wonderland that invites you to enjoy sex. It’s time you get on board.
5. Put Your Back Into Sex
Too many women are still passive participants in the bedroom. They wait for their partner to initiate. They let their partner figure out what to do during the sexual encounter… and then gripe when it’s not what they wanted.
It is imperative women be proactive in the sexual experience. To initiate then follow through with what you want. This will give you much needed sexual self-confidence, which will then enable you build a bigger, better sex life.
Getting your sexual desire back doesn’t have to be difficult or time consuming. It does, however, mean you sit down and take an honest assessment of why you don’t desire sex. Once you figure it out, moving into a sex life that you look forward to is quite easy.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.bestsextipsever.com. To order her book, "Til Sex Do Us Part," click here.
You can also hear more from Dr. Trina Read on the Hitched Podcast.
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