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Disjointed Schedules, Disconnected Dreams
One reader seeks advice on how she can come to terms with a rock ní roll husband who is becoming more and more distant.


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Even if you don't tell your spouse you don't believe in their dreams, they might get that message through your non-verbal cues.


This lack of 'cheerleading' is likely to come across even if it is not expressed verbally.”
My husband is a musician so he is gone much of the time. He has taken a gig where he plays from 10:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. on Friday and Saturday, which is two of my three nights at home, so I try to make Sunday special. He proceeds to get mad saying all I do is sleep. I am just not interested in what he is doing anymore. I love him and I do not want to lose him to this, but I really do not feel his musical skills will take him any further than a bar to be honest. I don't know what to do. Also, he has tons of Facebook girls that pay his telephone bill, etc. He is always pressuring me to give him money to help him out? I pay all the bills already! Please give me some advice. Thanks!

One of the biggest problems that couples face is feeling a sense of disconnection from each other. There are lots of reasons this is an issue, and certainly not prioritizing oneís relationship is high on the list. Itís hard to feel close to each other if youíre not spending time together. When spouses have schedules that arenít on the same track, so to speak, it certainly makes it that much more difficult. So, I completely understand your frustration.

That being said, was your husband a musician when you met him? Often, at the beginning of a relationship, we have "love goggles" on and donít think clearly about what certain situations will be like in the long run. Musicians make their living at a time when people are going out. Clearly, that interferes with your time for relaxation at the customary times.

I think your idea of making Sunday special is a wonderful adaptation. It doesnít matter what day or time you make for each other as long as the time you spend together is quality. However, you write that he gets mad that you sleep all day. So, are you, indeed, making it special?

Recent research spoke about the "Michaelangelo effect." The findings were that when one partner was able to help their mate feel good about who they wanted to be rather than whom the partner thought they should be, there were positive effects in the marriage. Iím concerned you state that you feel your spouseís musical talents wonít ever take him beyond a bar. This lack of "cheerleading" is likely to come across even if it is not expressed verbally. Thereís even research that says our hearts and brains communicate energetically!

On the other hand, you raise the issue of all his Facebook girlsÖ who pay his phone bills. Iím not real sure what thatís about, but it certainly is reason for pause. In these days, there are lots of boundary issues that get raised via the internet. Aside from the inappropriateness of them paying his bills, what is he getting from them that he doesnít feel like heís getting from you?

It seems that itís time for the two of you to sit down and have a conversation about the needs that each of you feel you are not having met. The good thing about your husband being a musician is that heís likely to be a sensitive guy. Remember to approach him first from the vantage point of you realizing that you must not be meeting his needs. Listen to what he has to say. Validate it. Then, speak about your needs without accusing him. This should help open up a healthy dialogue and get you back on track!

Karen Sherman, Ph.D., (www.drkarensherman.com) is a practicing psychologist in relationships and lifestyle issues for over 20 years. She offers teleseminars and is the author of "Mindfulness and the Art of Choice: Transform Your Life" and co-author of "Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make it Last." You can sign up for her free monthly newsletter with relationship tips at www.ChoiceRelationships.com




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