The Secret to Ending Your Sexless Marriage Many sexual tribulations in a marriage hinge on a few, but very important traits we may take for granted when it comes to getting what we want in the bedroom. BY DR. DARSHANA HAWKS
Refocusing on connection in your marriage is an important step to bring the sex back.
“ Couples who commit to writing down all that they do in 24 hours on a calendar for a month quickly see how they are contributing to the erosion of the health of their own marriage.”
A sexless marriage is one where the couple has sex 10 or less times a year. Sounds like every couple could viably and easily shift from a sexless marriage to a sex-full marriage based on that definition, don’t you think?
Communication is Connection
During the dating phase of a relationship, couples ask each other lots of questions as a means to connect intimately to know each other at a deep level. Post marriage, couples stop connecting in this way. It is very easy to get busy with our day-to-day lives balancing our jobs, managing a household, being parents, finding time for ourselves, incorporating time for family and friends, managing the children’s schedules, etc. Couples pack a lot into their day so when evening draws near; they have little to no energy for each other. They have no time for connecting at a deeper level and instead communicate at a surface level throughout the day thinking that is enough.
Communicating openly and honestly about everything up to and including sex is critical for longevity in a marriage. Making time for communicating and connecting is critical; 30 minutes daily of focused and attentive time is the minimum amount of time a couple should dedicate to each other. It is clear that couples already have the skill to communicate for connection because they exhibited the skill during the courting/dating phase of their relationship and therefore can restore this skill fairly quickly.
Addressing Libido Issues
"He wants sex and I just don’t" is a common complaint heard from couples.
The blame is usually placed on differences in libido; however, in many cases it is not libido that is the issue. Lack of energy, the inability to talk about sexual needs, the inability to discuss and arrive at a mutually acceptable and agreeable solution to include frequency of interaction, not placing importance on sexual connection, and not making time for or the commitment to sexual connection are the more likely culprits. Of course there are situations where libidos are a serious concern; there is plenty of help to address the lack of libido condition…and couples must be willing to seek outside help and take action, together, to find solutions through medical, therapeutic, and hormone specialists.
Couples who commit to writing down all that they do in 24 hours on a calendar for a month quickly see how they are contributing to the erosion of the health of their own marriage…they see that little to no time is dedicated to the marriage, each other and sex. It is critical that couples schedule intimacy and sexual connection time into their busy weeks on their calendars. It is easy to forgo important things in our lives if we don’t commit, create a schedule and stick to it. Agree to start with once a month as an attainable and completely doable goal. Critic s say that scheduling time for sex lacks romance…I say that not scheduling it and following through contributes to lack of connection and fulfillment, or worse, the end of a marriage.
If the lack of sex is the sole issue in your marriage, then ending your marriage is not the right solution. Couples tend to hyper focus on the 20 percent deficiency in their relationship instead of the 80 percent goodness in each other and the marriage. The 20 percent can be solved when the couple is willing to come together, hear each other’s perspective, be willing to find common ground solutions, and take action in getting and receiving impartial (private) professional help instead of waiting years to address the issues.
Dr. Dar, Ph.D., Master Relationship Coach, helps bring couples back together or assist in making the difficult choice to separate or not. She also works with singles, and families. She offers seminars, workshops, and is the author of "Stop Being Single Now." You can sign up for her free "Relationship Secret of the Week! What no one taught you about creating love that lasts!" at www.DrDar.com.