If you were asked, "Are you a good listener?" chances are youíd answer, "yes."
Maybe you pride yourself on your ability to stay quiet even when you really want to interject, or maybe you believe that you give sound advice after hearing another personís problem or dilemma. But you might not be listening as well as you think. To illustrate what I mean, hereís an exercise I participated in during a mindfulness course.
The exercise required each participant and a partner to take turns telling one another a story. The catch was that the listener couldnít react at all. No smiling, nodding, changes in facial expression, hand gestures, verbal responses, etc.
I was surprised by the impact this exercise had on me. I really felt heard, that my words were being fully considered but not judged. Not having to "play" to the other person was incredibly freeing! The truth is, thereís a lot more to listening than just letting people talk. Listening is actually a powerful skill that must be mindfully developed.
When you truly listen to others, you give them the valuable gifts of respect, compassion, and acknowledgment. Becoming a good listener is an enhancement for your life, tooóboth personally and professionally.
True listening strengthens your relationships, helps you to learn more, keeps you in the moment, and shows others how to effectively listen to you, too.
Here, I offer eight tips to help you cultivate the art of listening:
Eliminate distractions. Your physical environment can play a large role in how well youíre able to listen to other people. For instance, the hustle and bustle of a crowded restaurant might impact your focus and even your ability to hear your companion clearly.
Itís not always possible, of course, but if you know that a conversation is important, be proactive about removing anything that might distract you from being totally present. Go to a quiet place, mute your cell phone, and turn off the television.
Turn off your mental track. Try to turn off the constant chatter in your head while the other person speaks. Donít think ahead to formulate a response or try to figure out how to "fix" the problem, as this will distract you from being in the moment. Just listen.
“Remember, a conversation in which you are primarily a listener is not about your own needs and desires, but the other personís.”
This will take some practice, since it probably goes against your habits and instincts! Whenever you notice your own thoughts racing ahead or getting off topic, consciously switch your attention to what your companion is saying. Try to engage not only your ears, but also your heart and mind, in fully understanding what is being said. Remember, a conversation in which you are primarily a listener is not about your own needs and desires, but the other personís.
Be still. We are all familiar with the concept of an animated speaker. Most of us donít think about animated listeners, but they exist too! Over the course of your next few conversations, pay attention to the other personís body language as you talk: arm movements, facial expressions, shifting positions, etc. These things arenít always, but can be, distracting.
Especially when the conversation is serious or important, try to keep your nonverbal reactions to a minimum. You may find it helpful to clasp your hands in your lap and keep your eyes focused on a particular spot, such as the speakerís face.
Restate what you heard. Especially when something important is being discussed, make sure that you understood (as opposed to simply heard) what was said. Even if you have been doing your best to keep your ego out of the way, itís still possible that youíve misunderstood.
Once the other person has stopped speaking, confirm that you are both on the same page. For example, you might say, "So, what youíre telling me is that you think your boss has been avoiding you and youíre afraid you might be laid off, correct?" Or, "You arenít sure how to resolve the argument youíre having with your spouse and you would like to hear my insights, is that right?"
Save your stories. When someone tells you a story, itís human nature to want to fire back with your own. You know how it goes: "Thatís so funny, because the same thing happened to my cousin one timeÖ" Or, "I know exactly what you mean, because I was in a similar situation several years ago at my former jobÖ"
Suppress the impulse to respond this way because it swings the conversation back to you. You may think you are connecting by finding common ground, but from the other personís perspective, youíre downplaying the issues or concerns she has just laid on the table. Instead, stay focused on the point your companion is trying to make or the problem she is experiencing.
“You may think you are connecting by finding common ground, but from the other personís perspective, youíre downplaying the issues or concerns she has just laid on the table.”
Ask how you can help. Especially if youíre talking to a friend or loved one who is going through a difficult time, you may want to find a solution or lessen the other personís pain. However, keep in mind that sometimes what people need most is to unload and be heard, not to be fixed. Thatís why I recommend explicitly asking the other person what he wants from you after he has finished talking. If your companion asks for your help or advice, give it. But donít be surprised if you hear, "I just needed someone to listen. Thank you."
Engaging with other peopleís feedback, especially when youíre upset, worried, or emotional, is exhausting. In my personal life, I find that Iím most honest and transparent with friends who just listen.
Be honest. From time to time, you may find yourself listening to someone who has the facts wrong or who is out of line. If this person asks for your feedback, how should you respond, knowing that she wonít like what you have to say?
Itís not always easy, but part of being a good listener is being honest. You canít condone the other personís bad behavior or lie to them just to keep the peace. Be gentle, but tell the truth. In most cases, the other person will ultimately respect you for your honesty.
Keep it to yourself. Even if you think a conversation wasnít important, be careful about whom you share it with. One of the most important aspects of listening is being trustworthy.
This point may seem obvious, but the truth is, itís often all too easy for your mouth to get ahead of your mind in conversations. And once youíve developed a reputation as a gossip, itís hard to repair. Thatís why itís important to stay mindful even after youíve finished speaking with a particular person. You need to demonstrate that your friends and loved ones can feel safe with you, that you wonít spread their concerns around your social circle or judge them.
Overall, keep in mind that the art of listening revolves around being interested, not interesting. When another person is confiding in you, your primary role is not to be entertaining or even to offer solutionsóitís to show your companion consideration and respect.
Marla Tomazin, Certified Image Consultant, established her image consulting business in 1990 with the goal of helping clients identify an authentic image and develop its effective expression. From a successful career in the fashion industry, Marla gained expertise in retail buying, merchandising, sales, and marketing. Marla utilizes her abilities in evaluating body shape, movement, and coloring as well as synthesizing optimal cuts, lines, colors, and textures. This results in balance and proportion that accentuate attributes and conceal flaws. Her clients include women, men, and corporations seeking external revitalization that mirrors their internal development. For more information, please visit www.marlatomazin.com.