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How to Share Fantasies With Your Spouse
Learn the benefits of opening up, plus how to communicate your secret desires to your spouse.


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Sharing your sexual desires with your spouse can bring you closer than you imagined.


Our fantasies come from deep parts of ourselves.  When we share them, we’re inviting another into our most private world.”
We all dream of making our fantasies come true—or at least making them vivid and heart-stopping, like a sexual thrill ride. Few of us tire of wanting to know our lovers’ fantasies, and we continually quest to satisfy them. I know this is true—because I’ve spoken to an endless stream of customers who visit the women-run sex toy store where I work. They want to know how to make coupled sex hotter and seek practical inspiration for spicing up their routine. It seems like everyone wants something hotter, newer, more arousing, and more inspiring.

Whether it’s a lighthearted sex game or the revelation of your deepest erotic dreams, sharing fantasies can bring you closer. You get to find out each other’s sexiest secret wishes. Like eager teenagers on a first date, you find yourselves on a sexual adventure that takes you into territory far from your old sex routines. Your willingness to try new things (or at least talk about them) engenders trust. That’s good for your relationship.

Our fantasies come from deep parts of ourselves.  When we share them, we’re inviting another into our most private world. It’s easy to feel emotionally exposed. You have to trust your partner to withhold judgment about your ability, performance, and (even scarier) your having these fantasies in the first place. Although these fears can be addressed largely by talking about them, moving past them takes willingness to extend trust and the cementing of that trust over time.

Letting your fantasies run wild not only makes for pivotal sexual experiences, it can make your sexual relationship strong, vibrant, and alive. Many people find emotional intimacy incredibly sexy. Couples in long-term relationships often discover that adding fantasies and role play to their sexual routine opens up a whole new universe of satisfying sex, forges a deep connection, and restores the energy of their relationship to the good ol’ days of dating and courtship. If you and your partner play with fantasies as you would with a new sex toy, you can ignite some pretty potent erotic sparks.

Opening the Door to Sharing Fantasies

Erotic ideas can blossom into a shared fantasy as easily as making a wish—as long as you make that wish out loud. You and your spouse may "click" sexually, sharing many of the same fantasies. Still, you have to say what you want. You might receive a mixed reply—part curiosity, part apprehension. A few folks will be met with a reluctance to even talk about fantasies, and some might meet an outright refusal.

Either way, for you to explore an idea together, one of you has to bring it up—easy if you talk about sex regularly in your relationship, daunting if you never do. Whatever your situation, telling your spouse you want to try something new can feel stressful—and if your fantasy makes you uncomfortable, this is an understatement.

In fact, even thinking about talking about sex is stressful, sometimes! Before you tell all, put yourself in your partner’s shoes: If the two of you don’t normally talk about sex, and then suddenly one of you wants to, it might be upsetting—at first. Your lover may wonder if you’ve had sexual secrets all along. It’s also very likely that your opening up this erotic treasure trove will give your partner the opportunity to tell you what’s on their mind about sex, too.

Think about how you might bring up the subject in a way that would feel safe for you: would you feel comfortable watching a movie with a scene that resembles your fantasy, and commenting on it after the show? Or do you think you’d feel more secure waiting until you are entwined in an intimate cuddle and then asking your partner what they think about trading fantasies?

Another technique you can try is stating that you want to confess a fantasy—a sexual one—and that he or she doesn’t have to reply right away. Tell them that you can have a conversation about it later; this gives both of you time to let the idea settle.

Consider ways in which you can encourage your partner to hear you out. Ask them to suspend judgment until you can explain how much fun you think the two of you will have—and how important their participation is to you. Be sure to reassure him or her that you find them incredibly sexy, and that the conversation wouldn’t be happening unless you felt safe enough to reveal your deepest desires. Your lover needs to hear that they are the star of your show—and that you’re ready to become closer than you’ve ever been before.

The most important thing to think through beforehand is how you are going to make your partner feel safe. Mentally rehearse what you’d like to say before you actually have the conversation. Think about how your spouse might react, so that you will be prepared to follow whichever route the discussion might take.

Violet Blue is the best-selling author of numerous sex-instruction books, including "The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy" and "The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus". She also writes about erotica  and sexual pleasure and health for magazines such as O: The Oprah Magazine, Newsweek, Cosmopolitan, Esquire, Glamour, Maxim, Marie Claire, Men’s Health, Penthouse, Redbook, and more. She lives in San Francisco. Find her online at tinynibbles.com and on Twitter @VioletBlue.

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Over 1 million couples turn to Hitched for expert marital advice every year. Sign up now for our newsletter & get exclusive weekly content that will entertain, educate and inspire your marriage.



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