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We’ve all been there. Dr. Scott gets this column done just in time to give you some tips on ending the "I’ll get to it later" in your life.
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Gabriel Lefrancois, hitched
Don't ingore your chores, learn how to defeat your procrastination problems |
For weeks, my wife had been pointing out to me that a light in our hallway was out. For weeks, I had been promising her I’d get to it as soon as I had the chance. Then, one morning at about 3 am I noticed that a car was stuck in the snow in the street in front of our house. As the car spun its tires in vain, I quickly threw on sweat pants, grabbed my shovel and salt and went out to help the driver. For 30 minutes we shoveled, pushed and skidded until he finally broke through the snow bank. I returned home, got back in bed and drifted off to sleep, feeling good about my work.
In retrospect, it seems absurd. I had believed I didn’t have time to change a light bulb for my own family, yet I sacrificed my comfort and safety and gave time to a total stranger. What did the man in the snow have that my wife didn’t? Urgency.
In day-to-day life, urgent matters often require immediate action, so, naturally, they take precedence. In married life, however, it’s critically important to understand what your partner sees as urgent, even if you don’t. Most people agree there’s no great emergency if an envelope from a vinyl siding salesman goes unopened on the coffee table. But, if your wife calls and says the ceiling collapsed, that’s urgent. If your husband calls and says his shirt is stuck in the subway door and he’s floating above the third rail… well, that’s pretty urgent too. So, somewhere in between the clear-cut calamities and the mundane lies a Grand Canyon of interpretation.
One reason a partner gets labeled as a procrastinator is due to the difference in his or her level of concern about things that have to get done. When something doesn’t get seen as a priority, it gets put off. Fair enough when you live by yourself, but when you have a mate who identifies a problem that needs to be acted on, he or she expects you to adopt their attitude about its level of importance. If you act like it’s no big deal, you give the message that your spouse isn’t important. That feels like disrespect to your mate, and that’s a very corrosive force in marriage.
If you’re the one who procrastinates, you can take some easy steps now (not when you get around to it) to help yourself and your marriage:
- Try to see things through your partner’s eyes, and absorb some of the urgency to get things done if he or she sees it that way.
- Take advantage of your impulsivity: the minute you think of doing it, do it! Don’t tell yourself that it can wait.
- Don’t think about all the reasons why something can’t be done right now; picture how happy everyone will be when it gets done.
- If you really can’t do it this moment, then set a time to do it in the future. Most Americans have cell phones, and most cell phones have alarms or schedulers. Use this nifty feature to remind yourself to get something done that you promised to do (like empting the dishwasher during halftime).
- Don’t get defensive if you have to be reminded. After all, you’re the one who said "later."
- Figure out if what you need done is really urgent. Sometimes procrastinators pull away from tasks because they believe you think everything has to happen right now.
- Help define tasks that have to be done one at a time, and don’t ask while he or she is distracted or just coming in the door from work.
- Agree that if a task is put off, you have the right to remind (not nag) in the future.
- If there’s something you’re waiting for that you need help with, start doing it yourself in full view of your mate; sometimes that’s enough to get him or her jumping out of their seat to help.
- If your soul mate can’t be budged, hire somebody. Yeah, it costs money, but it probably costs less than a divorce lawyer!
Dr. Haltzman is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University. He is the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever." You can find Dr. Haltzman at www.DrScott.com
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