We’ve had a few Love Tripper’s send us e-mails to ask how to approach their partner about pushing their relationships sexual boundaries. Questions like, "How do I get my wife to try anal sex?" or "My partner isn’t comfortable with trying bondage stuff. What should I do?"
Pushing your relationships sexual boundaries can be a delicate subject, especially if one partner is a little more on the conservative side. We’re pretty open-minded and adventurous, but we still approach certain acts apprehensively. With good communication, and an open mind, we were able to try new sexy adventures and figure out what we liked and what we didn’t. You can too!
Always Start With Talking
First and foremost you need to have a very open, honest, and adult conversation about anything new you want to try with your spouse. Being scared, apprehensive, and intimidated—especially in the bedroom—is completely normal. Talk about what type of new things you'd like to try, keep a very open mind, and don’t judge your partner.
Having this conversation in the right setting is important too. Trying to bring up anal sex while on the drive to your in-laws or church is probably not the right time. Have a quiet chat on a weekend at home, in the bedroom, or chilling on the couch. Make sure everyone is in a nice relaxed, comfortable mood.
We are naturally afraid of what we don’t know. Sit down with your husband or wife and do some research. What are the best lubes for anal sex? Or the most comfortable restraints? Or check out our beginner's bondage guide for ideas on where to start. Not only will you be more prepared, the research itself will turn into foreplay really quickly!
“Sit down with your husband or wife and do some research.”
Don’t Pressure Each Other
It’s very possible that all the conversation and education in the world won’t change your spouse's mind about trying something new. You’ve had an open and adult conversation, done your research on anal sex, and your spouse still doesn’t want to try it. Then you need to respect their wishes. Don’t pressure, or beg, or mope if you’re not getting what you want.
If you’re on the other side of the fence, and your partner is asking you to do something you’re not comfortable with, you at least owe it to them to take the time and consider it thoroughly. Why do they want to try anal sex, or whatever other sexual act? Why do they find it exciting? What are your reasons for saying no? Is it a past experience that went wrong? Be considerate of their fantasies and desires and work on finding a place you feel comfortable. It’s ok to say no, but be an adult about the situation. Your partner could take the rejection of the idea as a rejection of themselves if you’re not careful.
Trial and Error
Trial and error is all part of the fun! Just because the first time you tried deepthroating didn’t go as well as you expected doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try again. Learn from your mistakes, adjust your techniques, have a laugh about it, and try, try again. Practice makes perfect!
Be Encouraging to Each Other
Our confidence can be really brittle when we’re trying something new, especially if it is something that makes us feel vulnerable like bondage. Constantly encourage each other. Tell him how strong he is, tell her how sexy she looks, express how good it feels.
Be sure to also ask your spouse if they’re ok and comfortable often. Sometimes a slight shift of the hips can make all the difference between pleasure and pain. If at some point the act becomes too uncomfortable or painful you need to stop right away. The line between genuine pain and painful pleasure is very thin, be very mindful of you and your spouse's limits.
“Don’t jump in with full on paddles and whips if you’ve never even blindfolded each other before.”
You’re Doing This to Improve Your Marriage
Pushing the boundaries of your sex life as a couple is 100% guaranteed to make your love for each other deeper, hotter, and stronger. That is a very strong motivation to help you push past the fear. Take the time to realize that moment you just shared with your spouse is very special and unique. There is only one person in the world that can help you push your sexual boundaries— cherish these sexy moments together.
Don’t jump in with full on paddles and whips if you’ve never even blindfolded each other before. One step a time, take it slow with each other. Tonight is a blind fold. Next time it’s handcuffs. Once you start to build some confidence in what you’re doing you’ll be heading places you never thought you would.
Don’t Use Porn as an Example
Porn is good for piquing your interest about certain subjects, but don’t use it as an example of what the real thing is like. Anal sex in a porn is very different from anal sex in real life. Conversely, just because you might find a specific porn act "gross" doesn’t mean it’s not fun and extremely pleasurable. Educate yourself, put away your prejudices, and find what works for you.
Talk About Your Experience Afterwards
Take the time to talk about your experience with your spouse afterwards. What did you like? What didn’t you enjoy? Is there something you want to try differently? Were certain positions uncomfortable? Should you be going faster or slower? It’s very important to reflect on what just happened so you can build upon that experience. Then start planning your next night of sexy fun!
Your sexual relationship is a big part of your Love Trip. Be adventurous! If something scares you then it’s probably worth trying. Keep an open mind, be safe, and enjoy the sexy ride.
Chris and Katie are the Love Tripper's www.lovetripping.com. They have been together for over 9 years, and got married in April 2014. They believe that the key to a healthy long-lasting relationship is constant work and effort. The Love Tripper's share their advice on how to keep that sexy fire burning, avoiding pointless arguments, and finding a deeper love for your partner every day. Love is a trip, enjoy the ride!