Sex Q&A: Husband's Sex Drive Took a Dive, Why? Dr. Read answers questions on male sex drive; talking dirty; men that refuse to give oral, and cheating dreams. BY DR. TRINA READ
If your husband isn't giving you want you want, you'll need to have a conversation outside the bedroom.
“ Many people fantasize about crazy, wild sex that intellectually they understand will never happen.”
Sex and relationship expert, Dr. Trina Read, is ready to answer your questions.
My husband's sex drive has taken a nosedive. I know heís not cheating, so what could it be?
Contrary to popular belief, men arenít always the horn-dogs theyíre made out to be. In fact, many times just the opposite is true. Consequently there are a lot of things that can negatively affect his sex drive.
The most common being when he is under a lot of stress due to work or other pressures. This is because high levels of cortisol, your bodyís stress hormone, lowers testosterone levels. Less testosterone means he has less drive to have sex.
Itís important for you two to figure out whether this is an on-going stress, or if itís simply a busy period in his life. If the stress isnít going away, you need to have a heart-to-heart chat about how this is affecting your relationship. Either way do your best to be supportive and help him figure out a way you two can make it through.
At the same time itís vital for you not to take this personally. Generally women put the blame on themselves when their guy doesnít want sex. Women think things like, "He doesnít find me attractive" or, "I must not be very good in bed." Remember: Itís not you, itís him and his circumstance.
Sex Tip: Daily affectionate touch is the easiest way to relieve stress and make each other feel relaxed.
My husband doesnít like to give oral sex. Iím not satisfied without it, but I donít want to pressure him to do something he doesnít want. How do I handle this?
I would bet that he either doesnít feel very confident in his oral sex ability or he had a bad experience that turned him off giving oral sex.
You need to have a conversation with himóoutside the bedroomóto discover if it is either. Find out if he was given negative feedback by a past partner. Or if he is turned off by the smell, taste or the bushel of hair. When you hear his concerns, donít judge and donít get upset.
Then tell him gently that oral sex is something very important to your sexual enjoyment. Together figure out how you can work around what he has told you.
Next, you need to show him what you like and make sure that teaching him is a fun experience. When things start heating up in the bedroom, show and tell him what you want. Remember: men need specific, succinct and direct language in order to understand what youíre saying.
Sex Tip: Donít know where to start? Show him while performing oral sex on himóyes, the penis and vulva are very different, however itís probably your easiest way to demonstrateóand very fun to boot.
My partner wants me to talk dirty, but I find it really embarrassing. Iíd like to try it for him but where do I start?
Talking dirty during sex can be a lot of fun, however, most people donít have any practice doing it. So itís probably the lack of practice thatís making you nervous and embarrassed.
To help you be successful here are some things to think about before your next sexual encounter. First, start small and go slow. Think of easy things to say like, "I want to tear your clothes off." The next time you can add something else to your dialogue like, "I want to tear your clothes off and scratch my nails down your back." And so on.
Next, rehearse what you are going to say. You may feel silly doing it, but this will help immensely to not feel as tense when the time comes to talk dirty.
Finally, the first time you try talking you will probably feel incredibly self-conscious and what you wanted to say wonít come out properlyódonít be discouraged.
By building up your dirty talk repertoire slowly, it will give you the much-needed confidence to try new ideas. The next you know, youíll be talking dirty like a pro.
Sex Tip: Still not sure what to say? Listen to how he talks dirty and follow his lead.
I dreamt that I cheated on my husband with an ex and I feel awful! What does this mean?
Itís not just men who have wet dreamsówomen have sex dreams too. Some dreams get so hot and heavy women can achieve orgasm; hopefully she remembers when she wakes upÖ
Your ex is a part of your life and itís natural for you to remember and reflect on any good sex you might have once had.
As such, this dream is probably your way of living out a fantasy. The "having sex with someone else" fantasy, with your ex or whomever, is common. And letís be real, closing your eyes and imagining sex with someone forbidden is both fun and an easy way to help you feel extremely sexy and erotic.
So the best piece of advice I can give to you feeling guilty is: fantasy and dreams are not reality. Many people fantasize about crazy, wild sex that intellectually they understand will never happen.
It doesnít mean you cheated on your husband by dreaming you had sex with your ex. Now, if you actually went and had sex with your ex, that would make everything complicated; but as it doesnít sound like that is going to happen, keep dreaming away.
Sex Tip: Itís better not to tell your husband about your dream. Although I never condone lying, some things are better left unsaid. However, if the guilt is eating away at you, clear the air and tell your husband.
Dr. Trina Read is the founder of VivaXO.com; a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator; and is a best selling author, media expert, syndicated blogger, international speaker, magazine columnist, and spokeswoman. Trina has just launched Sensual Tastes Events, an interactive workshop blending the pleasures of food and sex education. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook.