The most frustrating experience in life is having exactly what you want and still not being able to enjoy it. This is what many couples go through when their sex life reaches a stumbling block. When the red hot magnetic pull that used to make it hard to get through a day at work, or even a full meal, turns into a lukewarm option that could just as easily be replaced with Gilligan’s Island reruns, it can be very disconcerting. You may ask yourself why you feel this way. You may have many worries: does this mean that you’re getting too old? Are you out of touch for the passion that you once felt?
It may help to know that this is extremely common and, more importantly, there are things you can do to make it better.
1. Stop focusing on sex. When a physician rules out medical problems, it’s usually a lack of an emotional bond that is the problem. Engage in activities that build emotional entanglement. Wild or scary activities like riding a rollercoaster together or skydiving work well for this. When you experience an adrenaline rush or feelings of exhilaration together, it channels into other things including better sex.
2. Slow down. Never see sex as an obligation or something you have to do because people say it’s good for your relationship. Take your time, make it last and enjoy it and each other. Work at going at a slower pace and savor the experience. Remember to focus on foreplay because it stimulates both partners’ sexuality and increases emotional intimacy.
3. Be honest with your spouse. Be honest and tell each other what you like, what works and what doesn’t, new positions or techniques you want to try. This level of sexual awareness will take your emotional and sexual relationships to the next level. The secret to any long-lasting relationship is being comfortable and honest talking about the good and bad. If sex is the issue, make sure your partner knows.
4. Surprise your partner. A thriving sexual relationship means keeping it new and exciting. Don’t always do the same things you always do. It shouldn’t be a routine. Put on something your spouse will be excited by. Role play or playout his favorite fantasy. Try that thing she’s wanted to try but you have been holding back on.
5. Get out of the bedroom. Sex isn’t just for the bedroom. Find other places in your home to have sex. How about the car or the backyard? Maybe the kitchen counter? Or next to the fireplace in the study? Get creative and try different places. Remember to vary the time of day you have sex, too.
“This is a sexual killer because when you’re focused on what you dislike about your partner, feelings of resentment accumulate and emotional connection fades.”
6. Take care of the other stuff. While sex is always great at the beginning of any relationship, factors like stress, money, work and children start taking priority in people’s lives. Manage your life effectively so you can truly enjoy that special alone time you have with your partner. The idea is that when you’re spending time with your spouse, the other things shouldn’t be a factor.
7. Focus on the positive attributes of each other. Human nature pushes us towards negativity. This is a sexual killer because when you’re focused on what you dislike about your partner, feelings of resentment accumulate and emotional connection fades. Remember, we’re all human and no one is perfect. Focus on the positive in each other and focus on lifting each other up all the time. Your sexual experiences will thank you.
8. Imagine it ahead of time. Spend five to 10 minutes a day picturing yourself having great sex with your spouse. Think about the sounds, sights, smells and how you feel during sex. Many people focus on the physical aspects of sex and ignore the fact that sex can be a mentally and emotionally stimulating experience. The more you prepare mentally, the more amazing the physical becomes.
9. Use technology to your advantage. Technology is everywhere, so use it to add some fire to your love life. Send your spouse a sexy text or e-mail while they’re at work. But remember, sometimes you have to put the technology down. In today’s world, picking up the phone and calling or spending time in person can create a better emotional connection and better intimacy as well.
10. Hit the right spots. Have your husband or wife lie down on his or her stomach naked. Start massaging from the feet and work up to his or her head. A relaxed body allows for better blood flow to the extremities which can lead to a stronger erection for men and increased sensations for women. Throw in a little dirty talk and/or massage oil.
Having an active sex life is normal for adults of any age. Sometimes other things in life can get all jumbled up and take away the appropriate amount of focus we should give to the passionate side of our relationship. While stress can be an enemy of sex, don’t forget that sex can be an enemy of stress!
Colin Christopher is a clinical hypnotherapist certified by the American Council of Hypnotist Examiners. He is author of "Manipulate The Date." Find more at www.colinchristopher.com and www.manipulatethedate.com and on Twitter @ColinOnTV.