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Self-Compassion: The Key to Extraordinary RelationshipsBy taking care of yourself you will bring a better person to your marriage.
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When you take care of yourself you are ready to tackle the world.
“ This is self-care at its finest because you will, by definition, feel cared for and worthy of respect…”
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When I talk to my patients about self-care they often go to ideas of spa days and bubble baths. Sure, those things can be a form of self-care, however the self-care I find transformative centers around the practice of self-compassion. Now, if your next thought is associations of pity, letting yourself off the hook, anything goes, you are "Way Off Base!"
Self-compassion is the capacity to first of all, see your own situation. Can you look, almost like an outsider, onto your situation (your life situation or the situation of your day or anything in between); and view the context, the meanings, your feelings and the implications of the situation for you? From there, can you feel actual care and compassion for your particular situation? The litmus test for a yes answer is the feeling that you can take responsibility for your situation without blame, guilt, or shame.
Let’s go through a brief example.
* Situation: I am feeling ashamed because I want to try for a promotion, but I struggle with feelings of self doubt. I consequently feel paralyzed and don’t go for the promotion.
* Meanings: The promotion symbolizes my feelings about moving forward in life, being "caught up" to my peers, living a "normal" life, and therefore feeling capable and empowered.
* Feelings: I feel self-doubt, I feel like an imposter, which I then feel ashamed of. I am afraid that I will not be able tolerate disappointment or failure, so I feel paralyzed.
* Context: I was raised in a household in which no one mirrored back a "normal" or valuable person who could be accurately understood. So, it’s naturally difficult for me to trust that my achievements are real and that I can take risks.
* Implications: I need to understand that although it is hard for me to take risks, that I can look at my resume and realize that I have made real achievements and that I do have inherent goodness in me. I also can see that I have had persistence and that if I don’t succeed at my first promotion, I can try again.
Resulting self-compassion would be a general feeling/thought process such as: Of course, given my background, it’s natural to struggle with some feelings of self-doubt or fear. I can nurture that part of myself and help it to go ahead and take risks, resting on the knowledge that I have made significant achievements in the past and that I can tolerate disappointment.
Why is this kind of self-care the key to extraordinary relationships? Because an individual who has the capacity to process internally like this comes to the relationship table with the following assets:
* He or she understands what they are feeling and why.
* He or she doesn’t judge, fear or shame their own feelings (so likely won’t judge or shame another’s feelings).
* He or she can then (because of the above) communicate what they are feeling and why in a way the other person can easily understand with a highly reduced risk of misunderstandings.
* He or she then feels understood, which builds trust and bonding.
* He or she understands the true source of their feelings so is unlikely to project or blame another.
Doesn’t that sound like the kind of person you would like to be involved with? Yes, we would all like to be with someone who isn’t saddled with shame, self-judgment, the inability to communicate what they feel or what they are going through or what they need. And this is how you get to be that person. Learn to process your own internal world with the absence of shame and blame, and in the presence of self-compassion.
This is self-care at its finest because you will, by definition, feel cared for and worthy of respect when you process your own experiences this way. Anyone can sit in a bubble bath or pay for a spa day, but if you’re beating yourself up with blame or judgment, you will never feel cared for. Even if you are not filled with judgment, if you cannot take it a step further and see your situation clearly, identify the context and meanings for your feelings, and see it all with a deep understanding, you will not reach the land of the extraordinary!
Dr. Elisha is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, author and teacher, giving her the most in depth training available to get to the root of relational difficulties and truly heal your identity. Her deep understanding of how attachment relationships shape your feelings about yourself, the world, and your beliefs about relationships can help you succeed in intimate relationships. You can download the free eBook "How to Be an Extraordinary Partner!"
Self-compassion is the capacity to first of all, see your own situation. Can you look, almost like an outsider, onto your situation (your life situation or the situation of your day or anything in between); and view the context, the meanings, your feelings and the implications of the situation for you? From there, can you feel actual care and compassion for your particular situation? The litmus test for a yes answer is the feeling that you can take responsibility for your situation without blame, guilt, or shame.
Let’s go through a brief example.
* Situation: I am feeling ashamed because I want to try for a promotion, but I struggle with feelings of self doubt. I consequently feel paralyzed and don’t go for the promotion.
* Meanings: The promotion symbolizes my feelings about moving forward in life, being "caught up" to my peers, living a "normal" life, and therefore feeling capable and empowered.
* Feelings: I feel self-doubt, I feel like an imposter, which I then feel ashamed of. I am afraid that I will not be able tolerate disappointment or failure, so I feel paralyzed.
* Context: I was raised in a household in which no one mirrored back a "normal" or valuable person who could be accurately understood. So, it’s naturally difficult for me to trust that my achievements are real and that I can take risks.
* Implications: I need to understand that although it is hard for me to take risks, that I can look at my resume and realize that I have made real achievements and that I do have inherent goodness in me. I also can see that I have had persistence and that if I don’t succeed at my first promotion, I can try again.
Resulting self-compassion would be a general feeling/thought process such as: Of course, given my background, it’s natural to struggle with some feelings of self-doubt or fear. I can nurture that part of myself and help it to go ahead and take risks, resting on the knowledge that I have made significant achievements in the past and that I can tolerate disappointment.
Why is this kind of self-care the key to extraordinary relationships? Because an individual who has the capacity to process internally like this comes to the relationship table with the following assets:
* He or she understands what they are feeling and why.
* He or she doesn’t judge, fear or shame their own feelings (so likely won’t judge or shame another’s feelings).
* He or she can then (because of the above) communicate what they are feeling and why in a way the other person can easily understand with a highly reduced risk of misunderstandings.
* He or she then feels understood, which builds trust and bonding.
* He or she understands the true source of their feelings so is unlikely to project or blame another.
Doesn’t that sound like the kind of person you would like to be involved with? Yes, we would all like to be with someone who isn’t saddled with shame, self-judgment, the inability to communicate what they feel or what they are going through or what they need. And this is how you get to be that person. Learn to process your own internal world with the absence of shame and blame, and in the presence of self-compassion.
This is self-care at its finest because you will, by definition, feel cared for and worthy of respect when you process your own experiences this way. Anyone can sit in a bubble bath or pay for a spa day, but if you’re beating yourself up with blame or judgment, you will never feel cared for. Even if you are not filled with judgment, if you cannot take it a step further and see your situation clearly, identify the context and meanings for your feelings, and see it all with a deep understanding, you will not reach the land of the extraordinary!
Dr. Elisha is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, author and teacher, giving her the most in depth training available to get to the root of relational difficulties and truly heal your identity. Her deep understanding of how attachment relationships shape your feelings about yourself, the world, and your beliefs about relationships can help you succeed in intimate relationships. You can download the free eBook "How to Be an Extraordinary Partner!"
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