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Can This Relationship be Saved?Hidden forces contribute mightily to marital strife and irreconcilable differences. Their impact is commonly underestimated or overlooked, resulting in irreparable schisms between intimate partners and innumerable counseling failures.
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Before you call it quits or start down a negative path, consider the following.
“ Certainly, the successful management of conflict scenarios requires a mélange of IQ, SQ and EI, that each partner contributes to the process of conflict resolution.”
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Beyond the so-called romantic phase of the love cycle, couples begin to formulate a survival strategy that becomes necessary when their differences begin to emerge. During the discovery phase that follows, the obstacles to progress, when known, will need to be harnessed if not removed completely. If successful, couples progress to the later recovery phase, fortified with a learning mindset, humility and optimism. Their ability to move forward as a couple will depend upon the quality of their love, commitment and shared communication capabilities.
Emotional communication is the key throughout the love cycle.
Many mental health professionals are in agreement with the recent findings of the American Association of Lawyers that communication is the number one cause of divorce in America, (and "splits" among non-marrieds?). Accordingly, when discussions of finances, infidelity, abuse and other matters fall-apart, faulty emotional communication is the usual culprit. Moreover, when hidden forces are on display, emotional expression is derailed further, and a "bad ending" is the likely result.
The "mix" of traditional intelligences are not sufficient to save the day.
Cognitive ability and the capacity to adapt to the environment, erstwhile known as IQ, is no doubt helpful when discussions of conflict are on the agenda. However, the flaunting of intelligence in order to win an argument has a conspicuous downside. The use of metaphors, clichés and hypotheticals, for example, can be perceived as condescending and off-putting. Similarly, worldliness and interpersonal skills, (SQ), are attractive and engaging but not necessarily relevant "in the heat of the moment." Finally, the obvious advantages of emotional intelligence (EI) are reduced or worse, neutralized entirely, as an asset in the conflict arena by anxiety and unconsciously driven forces.
Certainly, the successful management of conflict scenarios requires a mélange of IQ, SQ and EI, that each partner contributes to the process of conflict resolution. However, in spite of the net asset value of these intelligences, the unanticipated invasion of hidden (unconscious) forces has the power to bring partner negotiations to an abrupt halt.
The misuse and abuse of "out-of-awareness stuff," leads to conflict impasses that profoundly threaten the relationship bond.
Emotionally painful experiences from the past, especially traumatic events, are "automatically," albeit temporarily, blocked from consciousness. Over time, however, the fallout from those experiences rises to the surface in one fashion or another. But, "I am not your hateful mother, so don’t talk to me that way," is anything but productive. Likewise, "I am not buying you a $3,000 pocketbook… your ex-husband spoiled you rotten."
Among the many consequences of these types of verbal assaults are the missed opportunities for learning about one another’s sensibilities. Eureka! How can partnered individuals be more responsible for such actions when they cannot "see" what triggered them in the first place?
The use of information garnered from previously blocked past experiences allows couples to sidestep resolution impasses.
The ability of couples to recognize, manage and benefit from the presence of hidden forces is among the most heavily weighted components of couple intelligence (CQ), a measure of the capacity of an individual to form and maintain an attachment to an intimate partner throughout the love cycle.
Couples that score "Low" on this component are victims of those forces lurking beneath the surface that launch overreactions and irresolute power struggles.
Overreactions are caused by the "marriage" of current events with the residue of past experiences. For example, "When I said pass the salt, you passed the ketchup!" leads to heightened emotions, temper-tantrums, verbal abuse, cyberbullying, shutting-down, walking-out, infidelity and violence.
In the aftermath of overreactions, solution-oriented couples either return to the scene and discuss "what happened," or, opt for professional help.
The recognition that, "Something very serious just happened that is over-the-top and when we calm down, we need to discuss it," is an important beginning. When this recognition is supplemented by, "…perhaps we are stuck in the past, and we should seek counseling," can yield surprising results.
When the counseling process incorporates the recognition of hidden forces as a significant saboteur of conflict resolution, premature termination is avoided and a successful outcome is more likely.
Dr. Barbanell is a psychologist in private practice in the Fort Lee/Englewood Cliffs area of New Jersey. He is currently on the faculty of the New Jersey Institute where he is also a supervisor. Dr. Barbanell has presented lectures, seminars and workshops on diverse subjects including, "personality disorders" and "couples in crisis." For more visit: www.psychologistdynam.com.
Emotional communication is the key throughout the love cycle.
Many mental health professionals are in agreement with the recent findings of the American Association of Lawyers that communication is the number one cause of divorce in America, (and "splits" among non-marrieds?). Accordingly, when discussions of finances, infidelity, abuse and other matters fall-apart, faulty emotional communication is the usual culprit. Moreover, when hidden forces are on display, emotional expression is derailed further, and a "bad ending" is the likely result.
The "mix" of traditional intelligences are not sufficient to save the day.
Cognitive ability and the capacity to adapt to the environment, erstwhile known as IQ, is no doubt helpful when discussions of conflict are on the agenda. However, the flaunting of intelligence in order to win an argument has a conspicuous downside. The use of metaphors, clichés and hypotheticals, for example, can be perceived as condescending and off-putting. Similarly, worldliness and interpersonal skills, (SQ), are attractive and engaging but not necessarily relevant "in the heat of the moment." Finally, the obvious advantages of emotional intelligence (EI) are reduced or worse, neutralized entirely, as an asset in the conflict arena by anxiety and unconsciously driven forces.
Certainly, the successful management of conflict scenarios requires a mélange of IQ, SQ and EI, that each partner contributes to the process of conflict resolution. However, in spite of the net asset value of these intelligences, the unanticipated invasion of hidden (unconscious) forces has the power to bring partner negotiations to an abrupt halt.
The misuse and abuse of "out-of-awareness stuff," leads to conflict impasses that profoundly threaten the relationship bond.
Emotionally painful experiences from the past, especially traumatic events, are "automatically," albeit temporarily, blocked from consciousness. Over time, however, the fallout from those experiences rises to the surface in one fashion or another. But, "I am not your hateful mother, so don’t talk to me that way," is anything but productive. Likewise, "I am not buying you a $3,000 pocketbook… your ex-husband spoiled you rotten."
Among the many consequences of these types of verbal assaults are the missed opportunities for learning about one another’s sensibilities. Eureka! How can partnered individuals be more responsible for such actions when they cannot "see" what triggered them in the first place?
The use of information garnered from previously blocked past experiences allows couples to sidestep resolution impasses.
The ability of couples to recognize, manage and benefit from the presence of hidden forces is among the most heavily weighted components of couple intelligence (CQ), a measure of the capacity of an individual to form and maintain an attachment to an intimate partner throughout the love cycle.
Couples that score "Low" on this component are victims of those forces lurking beneath the surface that launch overreactions and irresolute power struggles.
Overreactions are caused by the "marriage" of current events with the residue of past experiences. For example, "When I said pass the salt, you passed the ketchup!" leads to heightened emotions, temper-tantrums, verbal abuse, cyberbullying, shutting-down, walking-out, infidelity and violence.
In the aftermath of overreactions, solution-oriented couples either return to the scene and discuss "what happened," or, opt for professional help.
The recognition that, "Something very serious just happened that is over-the-top and when we calm down, we need to discuss it," is an important beginning. When this recognition is supplemented by, "…perhaps we are stuck in the past, and we should seek counseling," can yield surprising results.
When the counseling process incorporates the recognition of hidden forces as a significant saboteur of conflict resolution, premature termination is avoided and a successful outcome is more likely.
Dr. Barbanell is a psychologist in private practice in the Fort Lee/Englewood Cliffs area of New Jersey. He is currently on the faculty of the New Jersey Institute where he is also a supervisor. Dr. Barbanell has presented lectures, seminars and workshops on diverse subjects including, "personality disorders" and "couples in crisis." For more visit: www.psychologistdynam.com.
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