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When It Comes to Shared Custody and Covid-19, Be FlexibleThe stress on a divorced family can ramp up when there's disagreement on where the kids are most safe. Here's how to navigate these unprecedented times.
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When you share custody of your child, who oversees them during quarantine can be extremely tricky.
“ When creating any new schedule, make certain the kid(s) aren’t subject to 'subtle parental alienation.'”
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Tensions have never run higher when it comes to contentious relations between divorced parents with joint custody because many are now arguing about where the children would be most safe in order to ensure their safety. While the "physical custody" parent may insist the child(ren) should remain with him/her while the country waits out the dangers of Covid-19, that may prove to be narrow thinking because it is possible that the residence where the child(ren) lives most often could be the home that leaves the child(ren) most susceptible to contracting or transmitting the disease. Couple that with the reality that most courts are temporarily shutting down, squabbles and all-out divorce wars, are escalating with little or no intervention from the court system, unless the argument rises to the level of domestic violence.
With that in mind, my plea (and others in my field of family law) is to be flexible with your ex. The following are some tips to help divorced parents weather this uncertain crisis:
1. If you and your ex can’t agree on a new temporary arrangement, ask for intervention from your attorney, therapist, clergy or trusted advisor. The courts may not be available for seeking a remedy for a significant amount of time. Only in highly critical situations will the courts get involved.
2. As you formulate your side of the argument with your ex, take a pause and remember that what is best for your child(ren) at this time must be your number one priority.
3. Start any conversations with a new mindset: the intention of being flexible about changing the routine from that which you have been used to.
4. Be practical in your decision making. For instance, if you have physical custody, and your ex lives alone where he/she can easily isolate your child(ren) from exposure to others, might it be prudent to agree to leave the (child)ren in the care of that parent for this period of time?
5. When creating any new schedule, make certain the kid(s) aren’t subject to "subtle parental alienation." Make sure you facilitate both verbal and visual communication. Fortunately, today, we have social media platforms; we have Facebook, Zoom, Join.me, Skype, group texts, and smartphone communication like Facetime. Instagram provides near real-time sharing of photos. This is yet another way for the "self-distancing" parent to keep in touch with their child(ren) throughout the day and evening. There are apps for many face-to-face communication opportunities. Download them now. That way you can connect your child(ren) 24/7, being careful not to disturb the other parent at inappropriate times.
6. Address the trauma your child(ren) are experiencing. Does he/she/they need immediate therapy as they try to face their fear and uncertainty? If so, reach out. Get help.
7. Both parents need to work together to keep the child(ren’s) schedule(s) as regular as possible based on what they have been used to.
8. Lastly, engender a peaceful vibe in front of your child(ren), especially in the presence of your ex. The current situation is stressful enough without adding more tension to the situation. Circling back to my core message in this article: Be flexible!
Steve Mindel is a Certified Family Law Specialist, managing partner at FMBKLaw in Los Angeles, and one of the foremost experts in the country on family law. As a consistent choice as a “Super Lawyer” he has been featured on the cover of L.A. Magazine. He also is a Fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) and a Fellow of the International Academy of Family Law Lawyers (IAFL). He has been a guest on many major broadcast networks over the years including, “Good Morning America,” CNN, “Entertainment Tonight, “Access Hollywood,” and others. He also has been sought out for commentary by AP, People magazine, Hitchedmag.com, TheWrap and many other print publications.
With that in mind, my plea (and others in my field of family law) is to be flexible with your ex. The following are some tips to help divorced parents weather this uncertain crisis:
1. If you and your ex can’t agree on a new temporary arrangement, ask for intervention from your attorney, therapist, clergy or trusted advisor. The courts may not be available for seeking a remedy for a significant amount of time. Only in highly critical situations will the courts get involved.
2. As you formulate your side of the argument with your ex, take a pause and remember that what is best for your child(ren) at this time must be your number one priority.
3. Start any conversations with a new mindset: the intention of being flexible about changing the routine from that which you have been used to.
4. Be practical in your decision making. For instance, if you have physical custody, and your ex lives alone where he/she can easily isolate your child(ren) from exposure to others, might it be prudent to agree to leave the (child)ren in the care of that parent for this period of time?
5. When creating any new schedule, make certain the kid(s) aren’t subject to "subtle parental alienation." Make sure you facilitate both verbal and visual communication. Fortunately, today, we have social media platforms; we have Facebook, Zoom, Join.me, Skype, group texts, and smartphone communication like Facetime. Instagram provides near real-time sharing of photos. This is yet another way for the "self-distancing" parent to keep in touch with their child(ren) throughout the day and evening. There are apps for many face-to-face communication opportunities. Download them now. That way you can connect your child(ren) 24/7, being careful not to disturb the other parent at inappropriate times.
6. Address the trauma your child(ren) are experiencing. Does he/she/they need immediate therapy as they try to face their fear and uncertainty? If so, reach out. Get help.
7. Both parents need to work together to keep the child(ren’s) schedule(s) as regular as possible based on what they have been used to.
8. Lastly, engender a peaceful vibe in front of your child(ren), especially in the presence of your ex. The current situation is stressful enough without adding more tension to the situation. Circling back to my core message in this article: Be flexible!
Steve Mindel is a Certified Family Law Specialist, managing partner at FMBKLaw in Los Angeles, and one of the foremost experts in the country on family law. As a consistent choice as a “Super Lawyer” he has been featured on the cover of L.A. Magazine. He also is a Fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) and a Fellow of the International Academy of Family Law Lawyers (IAFL). He has been a guest on many major broadcast networks over the years including, “Good Morning America,” CNN, “Entertainment Tonight, “Access Hollywood,” and others. He also has been sought out for commentary by AP, People magazine, Hitchedmag.com, TheWrap and many other print publications.
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