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Are You In A Stale-Mate Relationship?What the heck is a Stale-Mate relationships and what are the signs you might be in one.
monicore
When you're in a stale-mate relationship you're no longer doing the work and your relationship is dying on the vine.
“ For some people, they believe their fantasy can be a reality.”
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Being stuck in a Stale-Mate relationship is something most people do without understanding how they got into one in the first place.
Wait, what is a Stale-Mate relationship? Is it when your mate is moldy?
Uh... no.
These relationships may have had some chemistry in the beginning, but that is not a bellwether to having a functional relationship. In a Stale-Mate, no matter how long they have been together, there is no shared emotional intimacy. In fact, there may even be underlying animosity. Even so, it appears neither person is going anywhere because they are, ultimately, afraid to leave the relationship.
These Stale-Mate relationships may look great from the perspective of the outside observer, but the truth is they are empty—devoid of a deeper connection, communication, and true intimacy.
It is not one-sided when things start to come apart, but what is it that makes it more of a Stale-Mate than just avoiding growing together, being "in love" and making it work? It is the fact that one partner (or both) are afraid to leave each other.
The fear stems from possible loss-loss of stature, family unit, home, finances, and so on; it includes not wanting to upset friends and family and can even include the fear of being alone.
Scarcity is what keeps them together... they're scared that there may not be anything better. Most of these people do not originally plan to cheat, but some do after living in this barren wasteland of matched misery.
One partner unwittingly finds him or herself taking a shine to someone outside the relationship. All of a sudden, what felt like the "same old, same old," everyday routine is now exciting and new; just like a first crush.
An affair begins, usually with the intention of an emotional escape from the Stale-Mate, but no matter what, they are still trapped physically. There are mixed feelings from being alive to anxiety, fear, and shame. Most people usually keep their intention to stay in their Stale-Mate relationship and this is because their fears have not changed. They think thoughts such as "my kids would kill me if we sold the house," or "my mate doesn’t deserve a break-up, he/she has been patient," or "what will everyone think of me if I leave?"
For some people, they believe their fantasy can be a reality. These thoughts are attached to the excitement of the unknown, the seduction and the "illusion" of connection. This comes from the attention they receive—whether from sexting, to "good morning" text messages, the actual physical sex, the amazing traits their beloved possesses or in some cases the admittance that this "other" person has some pretty major deal-breakers, but the high when it is high is what they live for!
Ultimatums may ensue, perhaps both are in Stale-Mate relationships with others and one chooses to leave while the other partner starts to avoid. All of a sudden, what started out as fun starts to look like responsibility—and because they already have more than enough responsibility in their original Stale-Mate partner, having more of that does not appeal to them.
Remember, being in a Stale-Mate means a lack of emotional intimacy, meaning both partners have no emotional availability. It has nothing to do with meeting the right person, it has to do with being able to be emotionally open.
Being vulnerable, and consistent in your words and actions when it comes to honest feelings is difficult for these people, as their fear of loss halts them.
Tracy Crossley is a Behavioral Expert on Personal Success! Her work centers on emotional connection—with ourselves and others. She helps you get out of your head to uncover the belief system that drives your behavior, then guides you through emotionally-driven actions to break the patterns that keep you stuck. As someone who has struggled with insecure attachment issues for most of her life, Tracy shares her experiences with equal parts empathy and humor. The work she does leads to self-acceptance, emotional freedom and a more authentic life.
Wait, what is a Stale-Mate relationship? Is it when your mate is moldy?
Uh... no.
These relationships may have had some chemistry in the beginning, but that is not a bellwether to having a functional relationship. In a Stale-Mate, no matter how long they have been together, there is no shared emotional intimacy. In fact, there may even be underlying animosity. Even so, it appears neither person is going anywhere because they are, ultimately, afraid to leave the relationship.
These Stale-Mate relationships may look great from the perspective of the outside observer, but the truth is they are empty—devoid of a deeper connection, communication, and true intimacy.
It is not one-sided when things start to come apart, but what is it that makes it more of a Stale-Mate than just avoiding growing together, being "in love" and making it work? It is the fact that one partner (or both) are afraid to leave each other.
The fear stems from possible loss-loss of stature, family unit, home, finances, and so on; it includes not wanting to upset friends and family and can even include the fear of being alone.
Scarcity is what keeps them together... they're scared that there may not be anything better. Most of these people do not originally plan to cheat, but some do after living in this barren wasteland of matched misery.
One partner unwittingly finds him or herself taking a shine to someone outside the relationship. All of a sudden, what felt like the "same old, same old," everyday routine is now exciting and new; just like a first crush.
An affair begins, usually with the intention of an emotional escape from the Stale-Mate, but no matter what, they are still trapped physically. There are mixed feelings from being alive to anxiety, fear, and shame. Most people usually keep their intention to stay in their Stale-Mate relationship and this is because their fears have not changed. They think thoughts such as "my kids would kill me if we sold the house," or "my mate doesn’t deserve a break-up, he/she has been patient," or "what will everyone think of me if I leave?"
For some people, they believe their fantasy can be a reality. These thoughts are attached to the excitement of the unknown, the seduction and the "illusion" of connection. This comes from the attention they receive—whether from sexting, to "good morning" text messages, the actual physical sex, the amazing traits their beloved possesses or in some cases the admittance that this "other" person has some pretty major deal-breakers, but the high when it is high is what they live for!
Ultimatums may ensue, perhaps both are in Stale-Mate relationships with others and one chooses to leave while the other partner starts to avoid. All of a sudden, what started out as fun starts to look like responsibility—and because they already have more than enough responsibility in their original Stale-Mate partner, having more of that does not appeal to them.
Remember, being in a Stale-Mate means a lack of emotional intimacy, meaning both partners have no emotional availability. It has nothing to do with meeting the right person, it has to do with being able to be emotionally open.
Being vulnerable, and consistent in your words and actions when it comes to honest feelings is difficult for these people, as their fear of loss halts them.
Tracy Crossley is a Behavioral Expert on Personal Success! Her work centers on emotional connection—with ourselves and others. She helps you get out of your head to uncover the belief system that drives your behavior, then guides you through emotionally-driven actions to break the patterns that keep you stuck. As someone who has struggled with insecure attachment issues for most of her life, Tracy shares her experiences with equal parts empathy and humor. The work she does leads to self-acceptance, emotional freedom and a more authentic life.
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