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How to Refresh and Rejuvenate Your Decades-Long Marriage7 ways to keep the passion, romance, love in your "elderly" relationship.
Christian Bowen
Research has shown reminiscing and recalling old positive memories are good for your marriage.
“ Ask one another to share their feelings and first-impressions about the very first time you two met.”
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In today’s fast-paced environment where commitments to a partner can come and go in a "Tinder" moment—where marriages are considered long-term if they last a mere 10 years—it is often hard to believe or experience a love affair over decades. That said, such was the case with Barbara and President George Herbert Walker Bush, Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth, George Burns and Gracie Allen (comedy couple of the 50s), and Steve Allen (same time period with a variety/talk show) and his wife, Hollywood TV/Movie star, Jayne Meadows. And, there also was Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward who were married for 50 years. Some of today’s long-term couples include Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, Sharon Osborne and her renegade husband, Ozzie … Keith Richards and Patty Hanson. Of course, there are many others, most not celebrities, that are moving into the golden years of their marriages. They could be your next-door neighbors or maybe you, and your significant other.
The question I am often asked is how do couples like the ones I mentioned and others around us, keep "the music playing" in the words/music of Alan and Marilyn Bergman—two Grammy-winning songwriters, best known for their artful compositions. It’s not as hard as one may think, I tell my clients. It takes work, yes, but it also takes a bit of imagination and an occasional focus on making a point to refresh and rejuvenate your approach to keeping the relationship "alive!"
Over the years of counseling elderly couples, and through my own 30-plus-year marriage, I have learned that couples can recreate the love, romance, and passion if they want to. Below are seven ways I have found that work wonders in rekindling and renewing a long-term marriage or live-together relationship:
1. Renew your vows: Put the words together differently this time. Adjust them according to all the positive experiences you’ve enjoyed together thus far. Instead of "… I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife …" How about "I took you to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife and boy am I glad I did, so much so, I want to do it again …" Or how about writing your own words (each renewal period) recounting the big moments in your three- or six-decade union. Make these updated vows very personal.
2. Stage a candlelight dinner: Reminisce. Ask one another to share their feelings and first-impressions about the very first time you two met. This fun exercise could spark not only a warm nostalgic exchange, but a few good laughs. Plan one of these dimly lit suppers on a regular basis (monthly, quarterly, yearly) with a different topic of discussion each time.
3. Review your photographs together: Take the time to put them in chronological order as the two of you go through them. Let each other know which are your favorites; which ones you wish had never been taken; the one(s) that have meant the most and so on. Each decade holds precious memories. Celebrate the fact that you have so many photos; have so many memories; so many decades. Hang some of them up—each year make a different collage of them.
4. Take that honeymoon one more time: Whether it was the Motel 6 down the street or a lavish week at the Ritz Carlton in Maui, plan a trip to that location. You would be surprised how the mind recreates the feelings you shared on your wedding night and all the plans and dreams you set forth as you started your lives together. For those going through a rough patch, this exercise can put everything that is really important and precious to you both, back into perspective.
5. Make a list of what has kept you together all those years: Maybe it’s pride in the children you raised together. Maybe it’s that family-owned business that provided a great lifestyle. Maybe it’s the support you gave one another when times were tough. The way he/she cooks, the way he/she parts his/her hair. Anything goes when it comes to this list.
6. Do the contrast-and-compare exercise: Being together for a long period of time, every couple gets on one another’s nerves! Make a list of what you truly enjoy and appreciate about your spouse and what irritates you. You’re likely to see the irritants pale in comparison to the highlights. Consider it a positive that you are aware of your partner’s negatives and flaws and love him/her/they all the same. After all, you’ve put up with those irritating idiosyncrasies for a long time. That says a lot about the durability and to the commitment of your partnership!
7. Make each other a "Playlist" of songs: When the senses are aroused with taste, touch, smell… and music, pleasant things can happen between committed and long-together couples. With that many years together, many couples have their favorite songs—from their wedding day to the holidays. To sum up feelings through music can mean a lot to your significant other. Think how many songs you’ve enjoyed together over the years! Now compile them and gift that disk or thumb drive to your mate. It takes time to put a collection together. And the collection can grow. Try to pick a song a year for each year you’ve been together.
I’ve offered my suggestions for seven tips to refresh and rejuvenate your long-term relationship, I now challenge you to create seven of your own—and feel free to share them.
Maximilian E. Fuentes Fuhrmann PhD, ABPP (Geropsychology), is a licensed clinical psychologist with extensive experience in the assessment and psychotherapeutic treatment of older adults. He received his PhD. from the renowned Clinical-Aging Psychology program at USC in 1988. Since 1990, he has maintained a private practice with locations in both Thousand Oaks and Beverly Hills, California, specializing in geriatrics. For older adults, he provides screenings and psychotherapy for depression and anxiety, and also assists them in managing memory loss and cognitive functioning. He offers counseling and referrals to adult children—those struggling to care for their elderly parents and relatives. You can reach Dr. Fuhrmann via email agewelldrmax@aol.com find more information at his website agewelldrmax.com.
The question I am often asked is how do couples like the ones I mentioned and others around us, keep "the music playing" in the words/music of Alan and Marilyn Bergman—two Grammy-winning songwriters, best known for their artful compositions. It’s not as hard as one may think, I tell my clients. It takes work, yes, but it also takes a bit of imagination and an occasional focus on making a point to refresh and rejuvenate your approach to keeping the relationship "alive!"
Over the years of counseling elderly couples, and through my own 30-plus-year marriage, I have learned that couples can recreate the love, romance, and passion if they want to. Below are seven ways I have found that work wonders in rekindling and renewing a long-term marriage or live-together relationship:
1. Renew your vows: Put the words together differently this time. Adjust them according to all the positive experiences you’ve enjoyed together thus far. Instead of "… I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife …" How about "I took you to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife and boy am I glad I did, so much so, I want to do it again …" Or how about writing your own words (each renewal period) recounting the big moments in your three- or six-decade union. Make these updated vows very personal.
2. Stage a candlelight dinner: Reminisce. Ask one another to share their feelings and first-impressions about the very first time you two met. This fun exercise could spark not only a warm nostalgic exchange, but a few good laughs. Plan one of these dimly lit suppers on a regular basis (monthly, quarterly, yearly) with a different topic of discussion each time.
3. Review your photographs together: Take the time to put them in chronological order as the two of you go through them. Let each other know which are your favorites; which ones you wish had never been taken; the one(s) that have meant the most and so on. Each decade holds precious memories. Celebrate the fact that you have so many photos; have so many memories; so many decades. Hang some of them up—each year make a different collage of them.
4. Take that honeymoon one more time: Whether it was the Motel 6 down the street or a lavish week at the Ritz Carlton in Maui, plan a trip to that location. You would be surprised how the mind recreates the feelings you shared on your wedding night and all the plans and dreams you set forth as you started your lives together. For those going through a rough patch, this exercise can put everything that is really important and precious to you both, back into perspective.
5. Make a list of what has kept you together all those years: Maybe it’s pride in the children you raised together. Maybe it’s that family-owned business that provided a great lifestyle. Maybe it’s the support you gave one another when times were tough. The way he/she cooks, the way he/she parts his/her hair. Anything goes when it comes to this list.
6. Do the contrast-and-compare exercise: Being together for a long period of time, every couple gets on one another’s nerves! Make a list of what you truly enjoy and appreciate about your spouse and what irritates you. You’re likely to see the irritants pale in comparison to the highlights. Consider it a positive that you are aware of your partner’s negatives and flaws and love him/her/they all the same. After all, you’ve put up with those irritating idiosyncrasies for a long time. That says a lot about the durability and to the commitment of your partnership!
7. Make each other a "Playlist" of songs: When the senses are aroused with taste, touch, smell… and music, pleasant things can happen between committed and long-together couples. With that many years together, many couples have their favorite songs—from their wedding day to the holidays. To sum up feelings through music can mean a lot to your significant other. Think how many songs you’ve enjoyed together over the years! Now compile them and gift that disk or thumb drive to your mate. It takes time to put a collection together. And the collection can grow. Try to pick a song a year for each year you’ve been together.
I’ve offered my suggestions for seven tips to refresh and rejuvenate your long-term relationship, I now challenge you to create seven of your own—and feel free to share them.
Maximilian E. Fuentes Fuhrmann PhD, ABPP (Geropsychology), is a licensed clinical psychologist with extensive experience in the assessment and psychotherapeutic treatment of older adults. He received his PhD. from the renowned Clinical-Aging Psychology program at USC in 1988. Since 1990, he has maintained a private practice with locations in both Thousand Oaks and Beverly Hills, California, specializing in geriatrics. For older adults, he provides screenings and psychotherapy for depression and anxiety, and also assists them in managing memory loss and cognitive functioning. He offers counseling and referrals to adult children—those struggling to care for their elderly parents and relatives. You can reach Dr. Fuhrmann via email agewelldrmax@aol.com find more information at his website agewelldrmax.com.
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