entertains, educates & inspires marriages
Find Marriage Answers
life advice
How to Manage Conflict in Your 'Senior' MarriageA dozen ways to focus on what really matters.
Esther Ann
When you get older you realize how hard it is to make change and therefore you embrace letting things go.
“ Waiting for your partner to change a pesky habit is pointless, self-defeating, and downright silly.”
|
Having been a clinical psychologist and gerontologist for over 30 years, I have learned that most people profoundly underestimate how difficult it is to change a behavior, no matter how much or often his/her/their partner tries to direct or shame them into doing so.
What senior couples (and couples younger than them) need to realize is that they must give up the belief that with enough urging, their mate will change; drop that annoying trait or two. Forget it. It’s just not going to happen. There is truth in the adage: the older we become, the more fixed we are in our ways. Constant badgering to try and get your partner to change an annoying behavior is a mere waste of time. If you think it’s hard to get your mate to change an annoying habit after five, 10, 15 or 25 years of marriage, imagine what it is like for those who have celebrated 40 or 60 years together! Most senior couples become enlightened over time and realize they can’t change their significant other.
Older folks give up on their admonishments, like, "Harold, I asked you to pick up your socks!" The senior set don’t even try to cajole their partner with something like that—they don’t even try a more gentle approach by saying something like, "If you really loved me, you would pick up your socks." They don’t because they know it won’t matter. Leaving your socks on the floor (metaphorically speaking) doesn’t mean a person doesn’t love or respect you. It’s just that when you have been with someone for a very long time—like seniors in a marriage/partnership, they realize they are not going to be able change their significant other and many of his/her/their annoying behaviors.
When I hear stories about socks, burnt toast or the squeezing of toothpaste from the middle of the tube, I have to say to the client, "Stop for a minute and ponder how truly difficult it would be to change an annoying behavior you have." That suggestion doesn’t stop them cold, but it does make them think! I ask them to probe further with the following thought: Imagine if you said to yourself, "If I really loved myself, I would easily…drop 10 pounds, chase that dream job, drive myself relentlessly until I made twice the income, and yes,…pick my socks up off the floor." Again, I don’t think most of us would. Waiting for your partner to change a pesky habit is pointless, self-defeating, and downright silly.
Instead, I tell my clients, what makes more sense is to give up the fight for whatever irritant that bugs them and focus on all the positives about their partner. If you listen carefully to couples like Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter (married 73 years); Phil Donahue and Marlo Thomas (41 years); James Carville and Mary Maitlin (28 years—and those two are polar-opposites in politics); and Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick (30 years) they will probably all say the same thing: They have long since given up hoping the other would change. They have just come to accept the irritating "small" things and veer toward the wonderful things instead—like the kindnesses over the years; the constancy of love; the cherished memories—the personality and behavioral positives.
With that in mind, below are a few key suggestions on how to steer your mind away from your partner’s irritating customs and focus on his/her/their better halves:
1. What have been some happy/good memories? Make a list. Make a second list: What do I get out of focusing upon the bad/negative ones?
2. Focus upon the recommitment. Each day, ask yourself: Out of all the other persons on the planet, why am I with this person? Write down those reasons.
3. It’s true that opposites attract, so what bugs you may not bug him/her/them. Why is it then that you believe after all this time your person will stop their "annoying" behavior? Try to be rational as you jot down your reasons. You can start each sentence with "I believe they will change because_____." You’re likely to wind up with a blank sheet of paper. Your beliefs may have little merit.
4. Scribble down the smallest and the biggest positives you get every single day out of being with this person. Is it a good night kiss? Someone who laughs at your bad jokes? Someone who picks your socks up off the floor and never complains? Someone who is there for you through thick and thin?
5. Are you bickering over the same thing again and again—dredging up the past? For example, I have clients who continually argue about who should empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry. Make a list of the benefits of not letting go of such persistent fantasies—ones that suggest your mate will step up—fantasies that will never materialize. Once again, your notepad will likely be empty. If you want these chores done, do them yourself without resentment.
6. Hug, kiss, and write love notes when there has been conflict. Change the focus from the negative to the positive. Show gratitude for consideration and courtesy shown by your spouse. Say thank you! Apologize and show forgiveness.
7. If there is disagreement, take stock of what the issue is really about. Have you listened to your spouse/partner—or have you already formed an opinion/comeback? Being highly critical or judgmental in any relationship can ruin it. Write out your grievance(s) so it/they becomes clear to you. For instance, are you unhappy with what you’re disagreeing about—like who should fold the laundry—or is it more a matter of your mounting anger from feeling as if you’re always being taken for granted?
8. Find ways (make a list) to distract yourself when your partner’s behavior(s) get(s) on your nerves. Can you listen to music, take the dog for a walk, work on a hobby you keep meaning to finish? I knew of one lady in her 90s who told others, "Take out your hearing aids when your spouse or partner talks about negative things, smacks his chewing gum, or shouts too loudly for his football team. That will solve the problem!" Itemize what activities will provide you a little relief.
9. Take inventory of why you believe the same issues keep coming up? List them. Also, examine whether these behaviors were an issue BEFORE you got married or partnered? If it was not a reason to not marry/have a committed relationship, why then has it become one now? Writing it out and reading it back to yourself could be very eye-opening.
10. Don’t always personalize what is said to you by your spouse/partner. People—especially those close to us—take out their "issues" on us. We do the same to them. It can become a bad habit. That occurs in any close relationship. Whoever coined the phrases, "Don’t sweat the small stuff," "roll with it," and "let it go," got it right. Most aggravations from our significant other are "little" things (hogging the remote, forgetting to replace the toilet paper, filling up the sink with dirty dishes) compared to the large rewards one can reap from the privilege and joy of being together for years.
11. Don’t focus on the past. Carrying grudges and ruminating about them only leads to more conflict. Sure, we can all hope for a better past, but what’s the point of dwelling on that? It is not going to change the past. So then, It is never helpful to remind your partner of the negatives from the past. Move forward and bring attention to what you do appreciate about your spouse. That is a list you can add to every day!
12. Communicate. All successful married couples cite communication as their saving grace. If your partner annoys you, tell him/her/them. It may not always change a person’s irritating habit, but speaking out in a non-attacking way, will likely give your partner pause before doing it repeatedly. Marriages or relationships without a reasonable amount of open communication almost always fail.
Couples married over 75 years often marvel at how "younger" couples fight about small issues rather than to recognize (as these wise elders do) that many conflicts in marriage NEVER get resolved. What these couples will tell you is to focus on the good. So, when it comes to the dishwasher, if you are the one who wants to have it emptied on a certain schedule, then step up and do it yourself!
If the behaviors are so egregious (those that violate your trust—like having an affair, hiding money, physical or mental abuse) then consider more drastic options. But the pointers above are meant for those who have a sound partnership and who want to keep that relationship together in their later years. As you age—as you become a senior, it is in your best interest to get along. The 12-key steps above should help facilitate that!
It’s basic really: Honor and respect the person you are with. Give up the grudges. Cherish all the good that you enjoy day to day in the relationship and. That also means do not criticize, shame, demean or "correct" your person in front of others.
Maximilian E. Fuentes Fuhrmann PhD, ABPP (Geropsychology), is a licensed clinical psychologist with extensive experience in the assessment and psychotherapeutic treatment of older adults. He received his PhD. from the renowned Clinical-Aging Psychology program at USC in 1988, where he also lectures and teaches. Since 1990, he has maintained a private practice with locations in both Thousand Oaks and Beverly Hills, California, specializing in geriatrics. For older adults, he provides screenings for depression and anxiety. He also treats them for memory loss and cognitive functioning. In addition, he offers counseling and referrals to adult children—those struggling to care for their elderly parents and relatives. In 1996, Dr. Fuhrmann became only the second psychologist in California to be elected president of a medical staff at Pacific Shores Geropsychiatric Hospital in Oxnard. He has taught gerontology and psychology courses at California State University, Northridge for 19 years and also at that school’s Channel Islands campus, as well as California Lutheran University in Thousand Oaks. He also holds an adjunct faculty/clinical associate appointment in the School of Social Work and the Department of Psychology at the University of Southern California (USC). He is often sought out by media for comment on aging issues. Authority magazine recently featured him in a candid interview and he also is a regular columnist for Divorce Magazine and Hitchedmag.com.
What senior couples (and couples younger than them) need to realize is that they must give up the belief that with enough urging, their mate will change; drop that annoying trait or two. Forget it. It’s just not going to happen. There is truth in the adage: the older we become, the more fixed we are in our ways. Constant badgering to try and get your partner to change an annoying behavior is a mere waste of time. If you think it’s hard to get your mate to change an annoying habit after five, 10, 15 or 25 years of marriage, imagine what it is like for those who have celebrated 40 or 60 years together! Most senior couples become enlightened over time and realize they can’t change their significant other.
Older folks give up on their admonishments, like, "Harold, I asked you to pick up your socks!" The senior set don’t even try to cajole their partner with something like that—they don’t even try a more gentle approach by saying something like, "If you really loved me, you would pick up your socks." They don’t because they know it won’t matter. Leaving your socks on the floor (metaphorically speaking) doesn’t mean a person doesn’t love or respect you. It’s just that when you have been with someone for a very long time—like seniors in a marriage/partnership, they realize they are not going to be able change their significant other and many of his/her/their annoying behaviors.
When I hear stories about socks, burnt toast or the squeezing of toothpaste from the middle of the tube, I have to say to the client, "Stop for a minute and ponder how truly difficult it would be to change an annoying behavior you have." That suggestion doesn’t stop them cold, but it does make them think! I ask them to probe further with the following thought: Imagine if you said to yourself, "If I really loved myself, I would easily…drop 10 pounds, chase that dream job, drive myself relentlessly until I made twice the income, and yes,…pick my socks up off the floor." Again, I don’t think most of us would. Waiting for your partner to change a pesky habit is pointless, self-defeating, and downright silly.
Instead, I tell my clients, what makes more sense is to give up the fight for whatever irritant that bugs them and focus on all the positives about their partner. If you listen carefully to couples like Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter (married 73 years); Phil Donahue and Marlo Thomas (41 years); James Carville and Mary Maitlin (28 years—and those two are polar-opposites in politics); and Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick (30 years) they will probably all say the same thing: They have long since given up hoping the other would change. They have just come to accept the irritating "small" things and veer toward the wonderful things instead—like the kindnesses over the years; the constancy of love; the cherished memories—the personality and behavioral positives.
With that in mind, below are a few key suggestions on how to steer your mind away from your partner’s irritating customs and focus on his/her/their better halves:
1. What have been some happy/good memories? Make a list. Make a second list: What do I get out of focusing upon the bad/negative ones?
2. Focus upon the recommitment. Each day, ask yourself: Out of all the other persons on the planet, why am I with this person? Write down those reasons.
3. It’s true that opposites attract, so what bugs you may not bug him/her/them. Why is it then that you believe after all this time your person will stop their "annoying" behavior? Try to be rational as you jot down your reasons. You can start each sentence with "I believe they will change because_____." You’re likely to wind up with a blank sheet of paper. Your beliefs may have little merit.
4. Scribble down the smallest and the biggest positives you get every single day out of being with this person. Is it a good night kiss? Someone who laughs at your bad jokes? Someone who picks your socks up off the floor and never complains? Someone who is there for you through thick and thin?
5. Are you bickering over the same thing again and again—dredging up the past? For example, I have clients who continually argue about who should empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry. Make a list of the benefits of not letting go of such persistent fantasies—ones that suggest your mate will step up—fantasies that will never materialize. Once again, your notepad will likely be empty. If you want these chores done, do them yourself without resentment.
6. Hug, kiss, and write love notes when there has been conflict. Change the focus from the negative to the positive. Show gratitude for consideration and courtesy shown by your spouse. Say thank you! Apologize and show forgiveness.
7. If there is disagreement, take stock of what the issue is really about. Have you listened to your spouse/partner—or have you already formed an opinion/comeback? Being highly critical or judgmental in any relationship can ruin it. Write out your grievance(s) so it/they becomes clear to you. For instance, are you unhappy with what you’re disagreeing about—like who should fold the laundry—or is it more a matter of your mounting anger from feeling as if you’re always being taken for granted?
8. Find ways (make a list) to distract yourself when your partner’s behavior(s) get(s) on your nerves. Can you listen to music, take the dog for a walk, work on a hobby you keep meaning to finish? I knew of one lady in her 90s who told others, "Take out your hearing aids when your spouse or partner talks about negative things, smacks his chewing gum, or shouts too loudly for his football team. That will solve the problem!" Itemize what activities will provide you a little relief.
9. Take inventory of why you believe the same issues keep coming up? List them. Also, examine whether these behaviors were an issue BEFORE you got married or partnered? If it was not a reason to not marry/have a committed relationship, why then has it become one now? Writing it out and reading it back to yourself could be very eye-opening.
10. Don’t always personalize what is said to you by your spouse/partner. People—especially those close to us—take out their "issues" on us. We do the same to them. It can become a bad habit. That occurs in any close relationship. Whoever coined the phrases, "Don’t sweat the small stuff," "roll with it," and "let it go," got it right. Most aggravations from our significant other are "little" things (hogging the remote, forgetting to replace the toilet paper, filling up the sink with dirty dishes) compared to the large rewards one can reap from the privilege and joy of being together for years.
11. Don’t focus on the past. Carrying grudges and ruminating about them only leads to more conflict. Sure, we can all hope for a better past, but what’s the point of dwelling on that? It is not going to change the past. So then, It is never helpful to remind your partner of the negatives from the past. Move forward and bring attention to what you do appreciate about your spouse. That is a list you can add to every day!
12. Communicate. All successful married couples cite communication as their saving grace. If your partner annoys you, tell him/her/them. It may not always change a person’s irritating habit, but speaking out in a non-attacking way, will likely give your partner pause before doing it repeatedly. Marriages or relationships without a reasonable amount of open communication almost always fail.
Couples married over 75 years often marvel at how "younger" couples fight about small issues rather than to recognize (as these wise elders do) that many conflicts in marriage NEVER get resolved. What these couples will tell you is to focus on the good. So, when it comes to the dishwasher, if you are the one who wants to have it emptied on a certain schedule, then step up and do it yourself!
If the behaviors are so egregious (those that violate your trust—like having an affair, hiding money, physical or mental abuse) then consider more drastic options. But the pointers above are meant for those who have a sound partnership and who want to keep that relationship together in their later years. As you age—as you become a senior, it is in your best interest to get along. The 12-key steps above should help facilitate that!
It’s basic really: Honor and respect the person you are with. Give up the grudges. Cherish all the good that you enjoy day to day in the relationship and. That also means do not criticize, shame, demean or "correct" your person in front of others.
Maximilian E. Fuentes Fuhrmann PhD, ABPP (Geropsychology), is a licensed clinical psychologist with extensive experience in the assessment and psychotherapeutic treatment of older adults. He received his PhD. from the renowned Clinical-Aging Psychology program at USC in 1988, where he also lectures and teaches. Since 1990, he has maintained a private practice with locations in both Thousand Oaks and Beverly Hills, California, specializing in geriatrics. For older adults, he provides screenings for depression and anxiety. He also treats them for memory loss and cognitive functioning. In addition, he offers counseling and referrals to adult children—those struggling to care for their elderly parents and relatives. In 1996, Dr. Fuhrmann became only the second psychologist in California to be elected president of a medical staff at Pacific Shores Geropsychiatric Hospital in Oxnard. He has taught gerontology and psychology courses at California State University, Northridge for 19 years and also at that school’s Channel Islands campus, as well as California Lutheran University in Thousand Oaks. He also holds an adjunct faculty/clinical associate appointment in the School of Social Work and the Department of Psychology at the University of Southern California (USC). He is often sought out by media for comment on aging issues. Authority magazine recently featured him in a candid interview and he also is a regular columnist for Divorce Magazine and Hitchedmag.com.
Leave a Comment
|
|
|
|
threshold | life | money | sex | blog | married life social network | partners | directory | wine club | podcasts | newsletters | subscribe | advertise | contact us | press releases | archives | privacy policy
Copyright © 2023 Hitched Media, Inc. All rights reserved. | hitched - entertains, educates & inspires marriages |
