Stop the Procrastination Sex Tired of making excuses on why you can’t have sex. Dr. Read gives you some pointers on how to "just do it." BY DR. TRINA READ
Stop thinking about sex and just do it.
I was on a bus filled with partied-out women, coming home from speaking at one of those girls-only, out of town spa events. About a half-an-hour before reaching the city limits, one woman piped up with a grimace, "My guy’s going to want sex when I get home." By the look on her face, she wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.
The rest of the bus overheard and, like a chain reaction, started to groan—and not in a sexual way. And so began these women’s duplicitous "psyching myself up for sex/ talking myself out of sex" ritual.
Intrigued, I played Devil’s advocate, "Well, realistically it is only going to be about 15 minutes out of your life. If you put some effort into it, it can be more like five minutes." I received some bona fide death stares. Sinking quick I added, "Well then finish your weekend off right, lie back and make the sex all about you!"
Sometimes it’s just better to keep my big old mouth shut.
The Art of Procrastination Sex
Not to get too preachy…okay, I am going to get preachy. Sex is way more enjoyable when foreplay is not an hour of thinking how much you don’t want sex. I am super against people having unwanted sex. The most common being fill-your-quota sex—forcing yourself to have sex so you do not hear any nagging from your partner. What was going on in the bus was a completely different animal. It was procrastination sex.
The art of procrastination sex goes something like this: You create a lot of good intentions to have sex, but when it comes time to execute you talk yourself out of it. Consciously or unconsciously you feel like you have failed. Once bitten, twice shy—who likes feeling like a failure?
The more times you put off sex, the bigger the "failure" you feel, and you start to avoid it (like on the bus). Once at avoidance, it takes some type of major life upheaval, like the threat of separation, to get you back on track.
Sex Is Like Exercise
I thought in a parallel universe, people create pretty much the same habits around exercising— we can simply substitute the word "sex" for "exercise." Everyone knows how important it is to exercise (have sex). Everyone has good intentions to get into some type of exercise (sex) routine.
Everyone starts off an exercise (sex) routine with the best of intentions. And then comes the follow through. The first few times on the new exercise (sex) routine you are pumped. However, when the adrenalin rush ceases, the immediate gratification is gone and your motivation wanes.
Soon enough, the day you pick to exercise (have sex) becomes a day filled with excuses as to why you cannot do it: "I’ve got too much work to do", "I’ve got the kids soccer practice", "I’ve had such a busy week, I simply cannot peal my butt off the couch."
After that it becomes easy to talk yourself out of exercising (having sex). You don’t feel great about putting it off, yet you have built a fortified brick wall of justifications. Simultaneously, you keep the gnawing guilt at bay by telling yourself, "I’ll get to it when I can spare the time." It becomes an omnipresent dull throb at the back of your head that gets easier and easier to ignore.
Please note—and this is the important part—when you do exercise (have sex), you probably end by thinking, "Well that wasn’t so bad, I should do this more often."
Now, here is my heaping helping of guilt: When you allow yourself to get caught up in procrastination sex, your health, vitality, energy and connection to your partner is slowly picked away. Until you wake up one day, feeling rotten and wondering how you and your partner have drifted apart.
Just Do It Sex
The best way to counter procrastination sex is to wrap your mind around "just do it" sex. Just do it sex is exactly as it sounds: after a long day, when you are tired, say to yourself "I don’t really feel like having sex but I’m going to just do it." A big motivator to stay on track is to remember: sex on average lasts for 15 minutes.
To be fair, the first few times you have just do it sex, it probably will not be so great. Too much built-up negative self-talk, resentment and feeling like you are being forced to do it will rule over any enjoyment that may take place. This is you trying your best to stay in your procrastination sex rut. Just keep to your just do it sex mindset.
Pretty soon I guarantee you will see tons of personal and couple benefits. It is so worth it to just do it.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.bestsextipsever.com.