7 Powerful Ways to Make Your Marriage Last Marriage requires attention and effort. Apply yourself and watch it flourish. BY SHARON RIVKIN, M.A., M.F.T.
You can't ignore your marriage and expect it to flourish.
Marriage is supposed to last forever, isnít it? When we decide to get married, we truly believe that forever will happen. Sometimes thatís easier said than done because most of us donít have realistic guidelines or tools to know how to make a marriage last. When we fall in love, we usually think thatís all weíll need to be happy. However, when reality sets in and we have our first real argument, we get hit with the realization that our spouse isnít perfect.
In the beginning of a relationship we do our best to give our partner the benefit of the doubt, expressing our love and goodwill, even when weíre upset. However, as time goes on it can get harder to resolve arguments and, therefore, harder to feel loving and forgiving towards our partner. Itís at these times that we start to ask ourselves, is there a secret to making a marriage last? Is it really possible to live happily ever after? Can I make my marriage divorce-proof? The answer to all of these questions is, "Yes!" However, the hardest question to answer is: How do we do it? How do I have a lasting, happy marriage that doesnít end in divorce court?
The first thing to remember is that keeping a marriage healthy and happy requires work and that it will not happen on its ownójust like a flower wonít grow if it isnít watered and fed. Marriages need nurturing, tending to, time and energy! We often forget that a marriage contains two human beings who both need to be appreciated, heard, valued and respected. With this in mind, here are seven ways to make your marriage last:
1. Keep the lines of communication open. If you donít know how to express your feelings and/or have poor listening skills, learn to get better at both. You can read a book, take a class, or get into counseling. Good communication requires both the ability to express and listen.
2. Donít sweep your fights under the rug and think theyíll magically resolve themselves. Do your best to resolve your first argument as soon as it arises so you wonít have the same argument for the next fifty years, in different forms.
3. Remember that you love your spouse; therefore, you want the best for her/him. Give her/him the benefit of the doubt when you feel angry, hurt or disappointed. Talk to your partner; donít make assumptions.
4. Don't take your spouse for granted. Tell your partner every day something you appreciate about her/him and how grateful you are to have them in your life.
5. Your spouse should never feel like your enemy. If they do, something is wrong; remember that you fell in love with this person. If thereís so much anger that you feel like you are enemies, get help somewhere as quickly as possible.
6. Gauge your marriage. Notice and donít ignore the warning signs if youíre not talking, sex has diminished, youíre fighting all the time and youíre not happy. The sooner you acknowledge youíre having problems, the sooner you can begin to solve them.
7. Always remember that you have the power to change behaviors in your marriage through different tools of self-discovery. You donít have to stay stuck in unhealthy ruts.
Good, lasting marriages are made up of two conscious individuals that have the desire to work on themselves with the determination to stay focused on the importance of their marriage. They do not take their partner for granted. They have their partnerís best interest at heart and, therefore, build trust with their partner. When arguments come up, they donít ignore them. They address the issues and try to resolve them. When they see warning signs that their marriage could be in trouble, they act immediately and look for new ways to relate to each other. This can be accomplished by anyone who is willing to take the time and energy to make their marriage a priority in their life. Nurture your marriage as it so richly deserves! You can live happily ever after, not with magic, but with work, awareness and knowledge of yourself and your partner.
Sharon M. Rivkin, Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of "The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of Intimate Conflict," (www.thefirstargument.com) has worked with couples for 25-plus years. Her unique insight into the first argument was featured in "O: The Oprah Magazine" and "Readerís Digest," and has attracted people throughout the U.S. and abroad for consultation, workshops, and courses. For more information on Sharon Rivkin visit www.sharonrivkin.com.