It is precisely because our present life is so inseparably linked with desire that we must make use of desire's tremendous energy if we wish to transform our life into something transcendental. ~Introduction to Tantra

The link between longevity and orgasm frequency show that married couples who enjoy a regular, satisfying sex life with frequent orgasms are less stressed, less depressed and generally more well physically, mentally and emotionally. This level of satisfaction and well-being is reflected in the marriage in which they share. The depth of connection and the bonds of trust that a shared orgasmic experience builds is a visceral insurance policy for long-term commitments to one another.

The connection between sexual attraction and arousal is not static; the swing between feeling desirable and connected in a marriage is in a continuous flux and reflects the health of the entire relationship, not just its sexual side. Overcoming the initiation argument begins when both husband and wife stop keeping score. Agreeing to harness the frustration and apply it towards building solutions is much more likely to move you towards a pleasure both of you will happily share.

One of the most common blocks to a shared orgasmic experience is the strangely common practice of faking orgasm. Studies site as many as 60 percent of women have faked an orgasm—and this practice is not just limited to women. The reasons for faking orgasm are complex. Whether it’s because one feels like they can’t perform, or that they can’t open up to that level of vulnerability or that by faking one they feel like they can end the intimacy. What results is the most serious of breaches in trust. Faking orgasm is a lie and it leads your spouse, who is trying to love you and bring you pleasure, to feeling like they cannot trust the messages you are sending. Breaching trust at this deeply naked level of vulnerability cannot help but seep into the other aspects of the marriage.

Many women mistakenly believe that their pleasure doesn’t matter, or they don’t want to burden their spouse in their own frustrated search for that mysterious and powerful orgasmic release. Real conversation about these issues is, believe it or not, sexy. It communicates that you are invested and trust your spouse enough to be vulnerable about this most deeply held desire. For the record, most men get more pleasure and sense of mastery from helping a woman they love to orgasm than having their own climax. Working together to find the path to individual orgasm is the most intimate sharing that exists. It changes everything in a relationship.

Finding a language to talk about your sexuality with your spouse is the stumbling block. It’s one area in life where taking responsibility for the problem is shaming, so we often go into a default mode of blaming. With that slip, it’s easy to believe that change is impossible and leads to the feeling of being caught in a no-win situation. As in any other area of personal development, clarity is everything.

Take the time to think about or write down your own personal sexual history including the orgasmic feelings you have experienced. Share these notes with your spouse and watch how even the most unwilling will open up. Set a few shared goals, and address the dialogue as if it were any other part of your normal day-to-day conversations. For many couples, making the effort to de-stress one another’s life can have remarkable effects on their ability to be intimate.

Discovering pleasure together is like pouring cement into a foundation. Physical touch that leads to ecstatic release not only releases hormones and endorphins that promote health and longevity, but also serve as the basis of biological bonding. Knowing that you have the ability to reach your spouse in this most intimate of ways is one of the most significant sources of self-esteem that a marriage can afford. There is a strange coincidence between the percentages of couples who don’t orgasm and the percentage of those who divorce. While sharing orgasm is not enough to keep a marriage alive, the inability to move towards it is enough to kill it. There is no other single work in life that will repay the two of you so profoundly each and every time it happens.

Orgasms: 5 Steps To Getting There (Part 3)

Wendy Strgar is the founder of GoodCleanLove.com, which provides products and advice for sustainable love. If you have questions about products or toys send them in and Wendy will be happy to share her knowledge. When visiting the website, use coupon code NEWSITE08, to enjoy a new year 15 percent discount.