Foreplay—Learn How to Do it Right, Men!
How initiating foreplay and talking about it will lead to better sex.
Dr. Trina’s Point: A little more prep work would help
Brian, why don’t men get foreplay? Men think oral sex—if they even do that—is sufficient to get a woman relaxed and in the mood for the "main course." Puh-lease.
Let’s look at men’s pragmatic foreplay template: No talking or acknowledging sex for the eighteen waking hours. When it is time to go to bed (and she is tired with a thousand things on her brain), he gives her a come hither stare, starts pawing and kissing her like he is some kind of Casanova, attempts to gives her an orgasm, does his thing and then he is done.
Foreplay, main course and wrap-up are efficiently executed in fifteen minutes. The woman on the other hand is left thinking, "But I was just getting into it."
Brian, read my lips: 90 percent of all foreplay happens outside the bedroom. Why don’t men get that the biggest sex organ is the brain? Women tend to live inside their heads and disconnect from their bodies. So not only does it takes a woman on average ten to fifteen minutes just to reach orgasm—it takes a guy two to three minutes—she first has to calm down from her super busy day.
Guess what guys? Going from zero to directly stimulating her clitoris is not foreplay. Her body may be able to have an orgasm however, but the deeper sense of sexual satisfaction gets overlooked.
When this deeper sense of satisfaction is not met time and again, women really don’t look forward to having sex. Why should they? The sex is all about him and how he likes to do things.
Ask any gal that has tried to set a romantic foreplay atmosphere with candles, music, baths or massages. Men plead their case of coming home exhausted and do not want to put much effort into a big song and dance about preparing "the mood." They just want to get down and busy, pop off a couple of orgasms, roll over and go to sleep.
Let’s make a deal Brian, men can’t yip about wanting sex more often until they start giving their wives a reason to want to have sex more. Learn foreplay.
Dr. Brian’s Counterpoint: Initiating the man is the key women are looking for
Hey Trina! Why do so many women fake orgasms? Because men fake foreplay. While this might resonate with many of you women out there, it really isn’t true. Though guys might rush to home plate, many thoroughly enjoy the trip around the bases.
Most guys actually like the whole kiss-touch-slurp-fondle-grab preliminary routine more than you might think. A recent Canadian study by Miller & Byers found that men and women desire the same length of foreplay—18 minutes to be exact.
If you’ve got a man who won’t warm up the car on an Arctic-cold-front-kind-of-day (so to speak), you might need to look at how he was raised. At a very young age boys are taught that things like hugging, kissing and touching are feminine. And, God forbid, any Wrangler wearin’, meat eatin’ man with a shed full of tools seems ‘girly.’
Most guys I speak to aren’t into foreplay do admit they just want to go to the main event. A male client of mine even said, "I don’t have time to waste. When I need to get off, I need to get off."
So if your husband just won’t put out before he putts out, here’s a few things you can do to get him back to basics. Educate him. Truth is, most men don’t know diddly squat about the female body’s erogenous zones and her sexual response cycle.
So gals, you can simply ask your man directly what he likes to give and receive during foreplay. Then you can share your response. And if you can’t bare to tell him, show him. Guide his hands over your "hot" spots showing him just how you like to be touched.
One tool us sex therapists use to help clients learn how to get into their body and feel sensations is called, "sensate focus." Here, couples explore their partner’s entire body. Remember, we are sexual beings from the ends of our hair to the tips of our toes. Mutually exploring your bodies will help your partner learn exactly what you like. And you might learn a little bit about him too. Yes, guys don’t just want to be touched there!
So, if you’re attached to one of those traditional men who just won’t go there, I have one more trick up my sleeve. Tell him that foreplay lasts longer than sex (generally about 12 minutes) and that the longer you touch, slurp and fondle, the more explosive the orgasm is for you…and him.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.bestsextipsever.com.
Dr. Brian Parker is a sexologist and sex educator and the creator of two sexual intimacy board games "Embrace" and "Pillow Talk". The games are available on his website, www.foreverpleasure.com which features original erotic art, high-end sensual products and adult sex education.
You can also hear more from Dr. Trina Read on the Hitched Podcast.