How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You From sex educator and author, Logan Levkoff, Ph.D. comes a book that will help men score—with their wives. BY LOGAN LEVKOFF, PH.D.
Book cover courtesy of Penguin Books
When trying to get your wife to have sex with you, you need to focus on her needs inside and outside the bedroom.
“ So let me be clear. There's no guarantee that you're getting laid this evening. If you really want to have great sex with your wife, prep for tomorrow, not tonight.”
The following is an excerpt from, "How To Get Your Wife To Have Sex With You"
Ladies, does your guy grumble about wanting more sex? Do you find yourself swatting his hand away when he goes for a quick grope? Does it seem like these days you are the one who is constantly turning him down because you're just not in the mood? Do you want to want sex, but feel like your man needs to seriously step up his game in and out of the bedroom? Is his idea of foreplay mounting you from behind while you're bending over the dishwasher? Sure, your relationship may no longer be in the hot and heavy infatuation phase, but do you want your man to have an education in what makes a married woman (and mom) sexually tick?
Guys, do you remember what it was like to have regular sex with the woman sleeping next to you? Do you love your wife, but wonder what happened to that sex life you once bragged about to your friends? Are you trying to figure out why your wife still turns you on, but it seems like she's not as excited by you? Are you wondering what you can do to bring back the sex goddess who, once upon a time, couldn't keep her hands off you and was up for doing it anytime or anywhere?
I know what you're thinking. Why on earth would you need a guide on how to get your wife to have sex with you? I mean, really. Doesn't marriage give you automatic access to guilt-free, frequent, and, hopefully, experimental sex?
You're no longer dating, the rules against premarital sex don't apply to you anymore (if they ever did), and you're not living with your parents or roommates. C'mon. Sex—good sex, in particular is a marital right.
So what happened? How did your life go from spontaneous sex in the backseats of cabs to the obligatory once-a-week, four-and-a half-minute hump?
Well, I'll tell you.
Why I'm Qualified to Help
But before we get down to business, you're probably wondering what makes me qualified to pen this guide. Let me put your mind at ease. I am a sexologist and sexuality educator. I have been working in the field of sexuality since the age of 15, when I was a peer HIV/AIDS educator. I have received both a Masters and a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality Education, given hundreds of lectures, written countless columns, and have been a talking head on television news and lifestyle programs at least a thousand times. Suffice it to say, I know a thing or two about sex.
But do I really get what you and your wife are up against? Have I experienced the relationship roller coaster, where sex goes from "can't get your hands off each other" to "maybe tomorrow night, honey?” Yes, I have. I have been married for 10 years, have two children, and juggle responsibilities both at home and at work. I've not only been there, but I experience the same issues that you do... all the time. Even more importantly, gentlemen, I know why you're experiencing these issues and what you need to do to jump start your sex life. And I am willing to share.
In addition to my professional credentials and personal experience as a wife, I have spent hundreds of hours with my girlfriends talking about you. And we have a lot to say. Believe it or not, we really do want to have sex—great sex—but you guys can act like such babies at times, and we have those already. We want a man who makes us feel sexy, wanted and, more importantly, appreciated. We don't want to have sex-starved lives. But we do want you to step it up.
A Message to Men
While you're reading this you may feel at times that I'm being sarcastic, snarky, and maybe even a little bit mean. I'm not trying to make you feel bad; I'm just trying to give you a little taste of what women may be experiencing—not all of the time, but sometimes. And I want to be as honest as possible. So please know that you are not the only ones to blame. Relationships are a mutual responsibility and women need to be held accountable too. But there are a few things that guys need to know about how sex changes over the course of a long-term relationship (which will save you both a lot of time and trouble, not to mention therapy). Maybe you're reading this right now, in bed, with your wife next to you—or maybe she's asleep. Either way, the purpose of this book is to get you to rethink how you handle sex in your relationship. Hopefully, it will lead to some stimulating conversation, some constructive communication, and, yes, some good sex.
I don't expect you to follow every single suggestion I have made. What I hope is that you'll read this and change some of your behaviors and approaches so that your relationships can be more sexually (and emotionally) fulfilling.
What You Can Expect
This book is divided into two simple sections: "Out of the Bedroom" and "In the Bedroom."
Let the "Out of the Bedroom" part of this book guide you in setting the stage for positive interactions in your relationship. These moments are the ones that will make it more likely for you to have sex... with quality as well as quantity.
"In the Bedroom" will help you satisfy her (and your) physical needs. This section is designed to improve your approach and pleasure quotient in the bedroom, or wherever else you like to be intimate.
So let me be clear. There's no guarantee that you're getting laid this evening. If you really want to have great sex with your wife, prep for tomorrow, not tonight. If you think she'll just hop into the sack after a long day juggling responsibilities at the office, or at home with the kids, or BOTH, you'll most likely be met with an eye roll. It's probably too late for tonight.
So don't focus on the sex you wish you could have tonight. Focus on the sex you can have tomorrow night. And try to understand that female desire isn't like male desire. Maybe watching us bend over to load the dishwasher is all you need to get all hot and bothered, but we need more. (So don't even think about mounting us doggie-style in front of the dishwasher.) It's all of that "outside the bedroom" stuff that makes us want to get it on inside the bedroom. If we turn you down tonight, don't let it piss you off. It's not that we want to turn you down. We just need a little more prep time. So come to bed and snuggle with us. Hop in, give us a kiss, and focus on the great sex we're going to have tomorrow night. Maybe we'll be nice and give you a back rub.
Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., is a recognized expert on sexuality and relationships who encourages honest conversation about sexuality and the role it plays in American culture. For over a decade, Dr. Levkoff has been teaching groups of all ages and from a variety of backgrounds. She is also the author of "Third Base Ain't What it Used to Be: What Your Kids are Learning About Sex Today and How to Teach Them to Become Sexually Healthy Adults" (NAL/Penguin, October 2007). Visit goodinbed.com for more information.