Reinventing Your Sexy For a Sizzling Marriage
Bringing sexy back into the bedroom doesn’t need to be a chore. Use these 5 tips to redefine your passion for one another.
BY DR. DENISE J. CHARLES

DepositPhotos Get close and intimate again with your spouse by following a few simple steps. “ …we know things have changed when the idea of sex with our partner makes us do a regrettable, 'Oh no' instead of an enthusiastic 'Oh yes!'”

If you’re like me, you know instinctively that the quality of our married sex is critical to the state of our union. Why else do we imbibe so much information about how to keep our sex lives interesting? Having said that, we know all too well that life happens to our relationships and consequently, what we hold dear, namely our sex, invariably becomes affected. And it’s very easy to blame our spouse for our waning interest in the sex department.

Maybe he/she is not romantic enough; maybe our spouse has added a few unattractive pounds; maybe there is no help with the housework or—worst yet—our partner may lack creativity or spontaneity in the bedroom. Whatever the case, we know things have changed when the idea of sex with our partner makes us do a regrettable, "Oh no" instead of an enthusiastic "Oh yes!" What can we do about this?

While it is human nature to point the finger and apportion blame, as the saying goes, when one finger points four others are turned back to us. In other words, if we plan to turn around our sex lives in marriage then we have to assume personal responsibility for what our sex lives have morphed into. Yes, we know that marriage is a partnership of two, but this does not deny the power of one to stimulate a much needed change. If we want a change in our sex lives, then it is first our responsibility to be and live that change.

We already know that great sex starts in the mind. This simply means that how we think and feel about ourselves has the power to influence not only our interest in sex, but also the quality of our sex lives. It follows then that reinventing ourselves in sexy and sensual ways is likely to produce a much needed injection of passion into a flagging sex life. So how do we go about getting our sexy on when things have reached rock-bottom in the passion department? It starts with honest self-reflection and a commitment to ditch the old in order to embrace the new.

Here are five things you need to be willing to let go.

1. Our negative self-image: If we really want to feel sensuous and desirable, then we need to drop this like a hot potato. Yes, we live in a society obsessed with perfection—especially in the beauty industry, however in the real world without Photoshop none of us is physically perfect. So to some degree, accepting our flaws is all about embracing our humanity. At the same time, spending some time to glamorize ourselves at the spa, salon, gym or even through updating our wardrobe, can go a long way to improve how we feel about ourselves in and out of the bedroom. If our negativity is a deeper issue influenced by personal trauma, then seeking the help of a counseling professional should, over time, help us put things in perspective.

2. Our overtly busy schedule: Is our sexy perhaps suffering from overwork? Tiredness is a tried and proven sexual arousal killer. Learning to prioritize and deliberately reserving time for our sex life can actually go a long way in restoring our flagging desire. Backing this up with a good diet and adequate rest could also give us the energy to be super passionate when the need arises.

3. Hollywood "sexpectations:" While we may all enjoy those riveting romantic scenes in the movies where everything works like clockwork on cue, real lovemaking tends to be a lot less smooth and a lot more unpredictable. Getting rid of our performance anxiety and learning to just go with the flow, can actually bring a sense of psychological release, which can impact positively on our sexual desire.

4. Our sexual inhibitions: Sticking to the same old sexual practices, especially if we have been with our spouse for a while, will ensure that our sex remains in boredomland. Our reservations and fears about experimenting with unfamiliar positions, places, sex toys, games and the like may actually be robbing us of the fuel-injection we need to rev up our sexual engine. This trepidation, which keeps us in our comfort zone, needs to be dumped with speed.

5. Anger and unforgiveness: While it definitely takes two to tango, it also takes two to untangle. Remaining silent about the hurts and disagreements in our marriage is unproductive. While anger can fuel a type of passionate make-up sex, deep issues between us and our spouse, which require resolution, may actually be slowly killing our desire. Taking the initiative to talk and untangle our hurts and disappointments through honest communication can increase the sense of intimacy with our spouse. This can really make sizzling sex a distinct possibility.

Hopefully, when we assume personal responsibility for our own sexual reinvention, our spouse will be persuaded to follow suit.

Dr. Denise J Charles is an educator, counselor, relationship-coach, published author and blogger. She holds a Masters Degree in Education and is a qualified trainer-of-trainers. Denise is Executive Director of "Better Blends Relationship Institute," a counseling and training entity founded by herself and her husband Gabriel. Denise’s blog on sex can be found "here". Denise’s new book is "How To Have Mind-Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain."

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