The Myth of Perfect Sex: Set Your Sex Life Free
Don’t let your let the act of lovemaking become robotic and contrived. It’s time to change it up! Here’s how.
BY DR. DENISE J. CHARLES

DepositPhoto Sex is supposed to be a fun and reconnecting experience…so let yourself go. “ Reaching a place together where you can freely let go, is likely to come when you both recognize that you do not have a point to prove.”

With the barrage of information available about what makes for great sex, we can easily get sucked into a perfection syndrome. This simply means that sex, even for those in committed relationships like marriage, can end up being all about the striving for perfection. In the bedroom, everyone wants to know he/she has scored an A+ and is definitely the teacher's pet.

While admittedly everyone may want to have great sex, in the grand scheme of things, the idea of the perfect sexual encounter has perhaps assumed unrealistic proportions. Sex in this vein has become extremely goal-oriented. It's all about a hot and fast sprint towards the finish line where the orgasm beckons as the only acceptable trophy. On a good day, having a goal before pursuing a cause may be commendable, since this implies foresight and the honing of skills. On the down side, and particularly in the sex department, a goal-oriented focus has the potential to be anxiety producing and even restrictive. This, ironically, can rob our sexual encounters of the very quality which we crave; namely intimacy and intensity.

While the orgasm is viewed as one of sex's most popular major outcomes, goal-orientation in the bedroom does not exclusively focus on the orgasm. It can also major on issues like the "expert" performance of oral sex, the timely use of sexual language or slang, the mastering of new sexual positions, the experience of multiple orgasms, the maintenance of an erection, or even the adequate use of a sex toy.

While these things in and of themselves may not be bad, when all of our energies become focused on "doing" sex right or on rating our performance as we go along, then we are not free to relax and enjoy the sensuality of the moment. For example, focusing too steadily on maintaining an erection can actually be counter-productive in affecting the quality of said erection. For some women, trying to nail that orgasm can also make that experience even more elusive.

While admittedly, some of this anxiety may be more evident among singles in hook-up scenarios, the reality is that married people are experiencing their fair share of sexual tension. Writers like me are constantly challenging couples to keep sex fresh, to reinvent romance, and to live more uninhibited sex lives with their partners.

Excellent advice, if I do say so myself, but couples must learn to balance this upsurge in sexual information with their own commitment to dancing their own unique sexual dance together. So yes, grasp as much information about sex as you can with both hands, but don't allow yourself to feel overtly pressured or boxed into a prescribed acting out of sex advice. Don't turn what should be a unique loving encounter with your spouse, into a performance oriented activity.

I do think that striving to be free of obvious negativity like misinformation about sex, guilt, inhibitions, poor self-esteem or a negative body image, is a commendable exercise. If this has been your experience, then continue to free yourself with new knowledge and positive sexual experiences with your partner.

Sometimes we fret about sex because we have this super-script in our minds, which we believe must always be followed verbatim. This need not be the case. Reaching a place together where you can freely let go is likely to come when you both recognize that you do not have a point to prove. This means striking a balance between embracing what you have, while striving to make it better. Ultimately, setting your sex free is about freeing your mind and literally throwing your expectations to the wind.

The following additional tips should help you on this journey to sexual freedom.

* Take competition out of the bedroom. Quit competing with your spouse's former lovers, national averages and statistics or with the star of some porn flick.

* See yourself as a unique vessel of love, made specially to bless the man or woman of your dreams. This means that lovemaking is more than a body experience but a true meeting of souls, so use your entire person to communicate love.

* De-genitalize your sex by focusing on your partner’s entire body. Take the time to learn where his/her erogenous zones are. This adds to the sensuality and eroticism of the sexual encounter and should take some emphasis off of the penis and vagina as pressure points for arousal and performance.

* Occasionally switch up the order in which sex happens. Foreplay does not always need to lead to "the main act" right away, but can be drawn out with laughter, teasing, and intimate or playful conversation with pauses in between if desired.

* An early male orgasm does not need to signal the end. Instead, husbands can get creative in prolonging intimacy with their wives.

* There's more to sex than the climax. Orgasms are great, don’t get me wrong, but learn to thoroughly enjoy all the unique sensations, which accompany sex outside of this super-popular climax zone.

* Take your love life outside of the bedroom by sexualizing your entire marriage with loving gestures, attentiveness and heated looks and words. This solidifies your sex as an act of continuity, which is the natural outflow of a loving, non-pressured relationship.

Dr. Denise J Charles is an educator, counselor, relationship-coach, published author and blogger. She holds a doctorate degree in education and is a qualified trainer-of-trainers. Dr. Denise is Executive Director of "Better Blends Relationship Institute," a counseling and training entity founded by herself and her husband Gabriel. Denise’s blog on sex can be found "here". Denise’s new book is "How To Have Mind-Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain."

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