Here's the Mindset You Need to Great Sex If you want great sex in your marriage, you need to be intentional about your sex life. BY KYLE BENSON
If couples want better sex, they need to actually do something about it.
“ Spontaneity is a wonderful fantasy; but in an ongoing and busy relationship, whatever is going to 'just happen' has already happened.”
There is a mindset that many people agree with in terms of sex: it is believed to be instant chemistry from the very beginning. As we drink the wine of romance we become drunk in the belief that sex, even in long-term relationships, is easy, tension-free, and uninhibited.
It’s kind of ironic that our willpower society encourages us to manifest our careers and health through deliberate work ethic, but tells us our sex lives must only rise in the spontaneity of the moment.
Spontaneity is a wonderful fantasy; but in an ongoing and busy relationship, whatever is going to "just happen" has already happened. As many of us know, our careers, our kids, our household chores can consume the moments of our lives, leaving our romance the scraps of our attention.
* "I’m too tired to make love."
* "The kids exhaust me."
* "I have an important work meeting tomorrow."
We like to believe that good sex is a spur-of-the-moment magical thing that arises from an unprompted impulsive desire deep within. We want to be swept away.
"I couldn’t resist him... I was completely taken."
Realistically, good sex is more like going to the gym. Fit people intentionally make the gym a priority in their lives. As a result, their deliberateness causes them to have very fit bodies.
If you want your sex life to leave you with your heart pounding, sprawled out breathless euphoria on the bed, then you need to commit to giving your sex the attention it deserves. It needs more than the 15 minutes before you fall asleep.
Good sex requires your full engagement. It won’t stay hot and sexy if your attention is devoted to chores and running errands.
"The dishes won’t just do itself."
"And sex will?"
The idea of planning sex is a mountain many couples need to climb. Often we associate scheduling with work and work with obligations. If you don’t want sex to be another to-do list item, then don’t treat it like a to-do list item.
Is lying on the beach in the Caribbean looking out at the ocean blue a to-do list item, or something you intentionally choose to spend your vacation time doing? You don’t have to "schedule sex," but you should create an erotic space that allows both your partner and you to reveal in each other. What you do in that time is up to your partner and you. The scheduling marks the space within your busy life to cultivate intimacy with intention.
Here is the irony. When you first started seeing your partner, you were very intentional about making sexy-time. As a man, you probably took her on a nice date, cleaned up your place and somehow made it smell nice. As a woman, you probably shaved your legs, got on your best dress, applied your makeup, and looked sexy. However, as your relationship got older, you stopped doing these things.
You moved in together, expecting things to just happen. But guess what? Things never happened unless you made it happen. A lot of people balk at the mindset of intentional sex. They see these strategies as too laborious for "the long haul."
Just because you live with your partner doesn’t necessarily mean they are readily available. If anything, they require more attention, not less. Keeping sex hotter than a beach in the Caribbean requires intentional attention.
No, not every single day, but at least every week, if not month. Choosing your frequency is dependent on both partners’ unique sex drives.
As long as sex is something that "just happens" you never have to claim it, and you can complain about it all you want without ever taking action to create the sex you deeply desire.
Intentionality in our sexuality is the key to keeping our sex lives humid.
Kyle Benson is a nationally recognized couple’s mindset coach providing practical, research based tools to build long-lasting relationships. Kyle is best known for his compassion and non-judgemental style and his capacity to seeing the root problem. Download the Couple’s Mindset Assessment to learn where you and your partner can improve your emotional connection and build lasting intimacy. Connect with Kyle on Twitter and Facebook. For more tools visit kylebenson.net.