Escaping the Sexual Avoidance Cycle
To move forward physically you need to remove the barriers mentally. Follow these guidelines for success.
BY JESSA ZIMMERMAN

Inna Lesyk A big hurdle with sexual fulfillment begins in the brain. “ Think of it like a trip to the playground; it’s the outing that counts, not what you do once you get there.”

Despite the common belief that "sex is supposed to be fun, easy, and natural," a surprising number of people struggle with it. If you are having problems in your sex life, you are not alone. And if sexual issues happen repeatedly, you may very well find yourself trapped in what I call the Sexual Avoidance Cycle, a negative swirl of disappointment, avoidance, and pressure.

The Avoidance Cycle starts with disappointment. Sex can feel disappointing for many different reasons. You may have unrealistic expectations, leaving you sad and afraid when reality isn’t living up to them. You may have the unfounded idea that sex should be spontaneous, that men should last a long time, that women should orgasm through penetrative sex, or that penetration is the only sex that counts.

Or maybe you think you should feel spontaneous desire for sex or that you and your partner should want the same amount of intimacy. When you have sex that falls short of your expectations, it can start to feel like a disaster, eventually reaching the point where every sexual encounter seems like a test you expect to fail. Sex becomes fraught with anxiety instead of filled with joy.

Negative feelings naturally lead to avoidance. It is human nature to avoid difficult and anxiety-provoking feelings, so you may find yourself avoiding sex altogether. One of you is probably adept at missing the opportunities to have, or even to talk about, sex. You may deflect any comments about sex or any bid to have sex. You may act like you’re oblivious to the cues. You may use humor to respond to a genuine attempt to deal with the subject, effectively telling your partner that you’re not going to take it seriously. Perhaps you or your partner take those attempts to address sex and steer towards a fight, instead. These techniques enable you to avoid addressing what’s happening (or not happening) in your sex life.

Unfortunately, avoidance makes things worse. Once you start to avoid something, your anxiety about it goes up. Avoidance creates pressure. Pressure comes from the belief that you should be having more sex. It comes from one person wanting sex while the other doesn’t. It comes from the energy it takes to avoid the subject. Additionally, once your frequency of sex decreases due to avoidance, there is more pressure that the encounters you do have should go well. And when sex doesn’t go well again (and again), the whole cycle amplifies. This pressure can also manifest itself in other ways, like sexual dysfunction. It’s not surprising that it’s difficult to get aroused in such a state, much less reach an orgasm. You end up with that elephant in the room—suffocating any chance to enjoy sex together.

If you are stuck in this negative cycle, it’s hard to see a way out. But you can escape the trap and find a way to transform your sexual relationship with your partner. There are three aspects to taking the stress out of sex: challenge your expectations, communicate with your partner, and create a new sex life using physical experiences.

First, you need to acknowledge and adjust your expectations. Many of your ideas about sex are likely wrong, based on inaccurate or misguided information about how sex works. Get a good book about sex, whether it’s a sexuality textbook or something like the "Guide to Getting It On," and clear up the misconceptions you have. Educate yourself using online resources and articles, seeking out qualified experts who write about sex online. Consider seeing an AASECT certified sex therapist if your negative thoughts seem particularly entrenched.

Part of challenging your expectations is to broaden your idea of what sex is and what it’s for. If your ideas of sex are based on doing certain things with certain body parts, or if it’s outcome/orgasm focused, those ideas will limit what can be considered success. Accept that pleasure and connection are what matter in sex, not specific acts or specific results. If you can take a looser and more playful approach to what "counts" as sex, you create an environment in which you cannot fail. Think of it like a trip to the playground; it’s the outing that counts, not what you do once you get there. Nothing says you need to go down the slide to enjoy the time with your partner.

The second step in escaping the cycle is to push past avoidance and communicate openly and honestly with your partner. Come from a positive place, letting them know you’re interested in creating the best possible relationship between the two of you. Tell them how you’ve been feeling about the cycle you’re in and specifically acknowledge your own contribution, in thought and in deed, to keeping the two of you stuck. Be honest about your role in the avoidance and deflection, your anxiety or negative feelings associated with your sex life, and your response to the pressure you feel. Agree to work together as allies to recreate your sex life and maintain openness as you proceed.

Lastly, use physical experiences to change how you interact and to overcome your individual obstacles. Set up a regular time to be physically intimate in some way without expecting it to lead to sex, giving yourselves the freedom to feel anxious and uncomfortable for a while. The goal is to take the pressure off and just learn to show up, be present, and feel some connection with your partner. Give each other sensual massages. Look up sensate focus exercises online, using those to share touch that is unpressured. Take time to explore the sensual and sexual touch that you want to receive and guide your partner to provide that. Spend time in sexual activity without pursuing orgasm, exploring your own arousal.

You may be stuck in a negative cycle right now, feeling things like disappointment, sadness, fear, frustration, and loneliness. But there truly is a way to escape that cycle to create a sex life that feels easy, joyful, pleasurable, and even playful. You can work with your partner to completely transform how you interact in and around sex by challenging your ideas, communicating openly, and using physical experiences to create new patterns.

Jessa Zimmerman is a licensed couples’ counselor and nationally certified sex therapist. She works in private practice in Seattle, WA. Over the course of her therapy career, she has focused almost exclusively on helping couples with their emotional and sexual intimacy. In her years of clinical experience, Zimmerman has treated hundreds of couples who have struggled to feel sexual desire and fulfillment. Her clients describe having a good relationship in other ways, but their sex life has become difficult to the point that they start to avoid sex. These are people who love each other but are struggling to have a sex life they both enjoy.

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