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Should We Argue In Front of Our Kids?Spoiler: yes! Here's 4 rules on how to constructively demonstrate a healthy way to disagree.
Bibhash Banerjee
There's a difference between arguing and fighting, and one can be much scarier and damaging to children.
“ Setting an example for our children about how to disagree or argue respectfully, is a valued life skill that some have not been taught.”
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As we think about life skills that we want to teach our kids, a few things that may come to mind are: washing dishes, balancing a bank account, and keeping a clean home. However, how to have a respectful disagreement should be high on that list.
There are two schools of thought on the topic of arguing in front of children. One group: don’t do it. The other: how do you not? There are a few things to consider as we open this Pandora’s Box.
I have friends who have said, "My parents never argued in front of us." While others who have been traumatized by fights and disagreements that have ended with hurt feelings or worse. But perhaps there’s another option since there's problems with both. With the former, many may think there’s something wrong with their relationship if they argue because they’ve never seen it done properly. The latter can leave lasting scars that can cause relationship issues for years to come.
First, there is a clear distinction between fighting versus arguing. Fighting generally involves hurtful words, name calling, raised voices and more. It can also be accompanied by the desire to point out all the reasons you’re wrong and I’m right.
On the other hand, arguing is a difference of opinion. It can include a heated yet controlled discussion, difference of opinion and an underlying desire to find a place of agreement. I would suggest that the latter is something we should willingly be doing in front of our children. And here’s the reason: In life, we will disagree with others. People we love, people we work with, professors, and the boss’. Setting an example for our children about how to disagree or argue respectfully, is a valued life skill that some have not been taught.
Teaching this life skill does come with its own warnings and things to watch out for. Here are four tips to keep in mind if you argue or have a disagreement in front of your children.
1. Don’t involve the kids. Don’t ask for their opinion, ask them to pick a side or involve them in anyway. They love both of you and having to side with one parent over the other can lead to feelings of letting the other parent down. Followed by, thoughts of abandoning or hurting the other parents’ feelings.
2. Call a time out if things are getting heated. Before the disagreement turns into a full-blown fight, ask if this is a good time to pause the discussion. But, set a time to reengage or you risk one or both parties feeling unimportant and ignored.
3. Listen with the goal of hearing and understanding the other person. As opposed to, listening for the pause to jump in and make your point. We’ve all done it. We have the zinger of a comeback or a one-liner that will shut down the whole discussion, but we’ve failed to hear and understand what our partner is saying. Consider using mirroring as a way to confirm with your partner that you’ve heard and understood their point.
4. Seek resolution. And remember, if you argue in front of the kids, let them see the resolution. Many times we argue and resolve it later. Try not to leave the cliffhanger for them.
It would be impossible to live life without disagreeing or arguing. This is not among spouses or couples, only but also coworkers, supervisors and other relationships as well. Along with how to properly load the dishwasher and how to cook a basic meal, let’s send our kids into their futures and adulthood with how to have and handle a disagreement.
Being able to have a difficult conversation with tact and respect can mean the difference between living a life of conflict or a life of peace. What a great gift to send our kids into their futures with.
Deborah Porter is a sought-after, influential voice on parenting, motherhood, self and soul care. She is a champion for moms everywhere and works with mothers globally to guide them through the process of learning to be gracious with themselves without the need to compare their motherhood journey with anyone else’s. Deborah is a certified life coach and regular contributor on CBS Virginia This Morning. Her advice column, Balance Life with Coach Deborah in Washington Parent, helps parents navigate the chaos, find their balance and not lose themselves in the role of mom. For more information visit www.deborahporter.net. Deborah’s complimentary Confident Mom e-book and additional tips are available here.
There are two schools of thought on the topic of arguing in front of children. One group: don’t do it. The other: how do you not? There are a few things to consider as we open this Pandora’s Box.
I have friends who have said, "My parents never argued in front of us." While others who have been traumatized by fights and disagreements that have ended with hurt feelings or worse. But perhaps there’s another option since there's problems with both. With the former, many may think there’s something wrong with their relationship if they argue because they’ve never seen it done properly. The latter can leave lasting scars that can cause relationship issues for years to come.
First, there is a clear distinction between fighting versus arguing. Fighting generally involves hurtful words, name calling, raised voices and more. It can also be accompanied by the desire to point out all the reasons you’re wrong and I’m right.
On the other hand, arguing is a difference of opinion. It can include a heated yet controlled discussion, difference of opinion and an underlying desire to find a place of agreement. I would suggest that the latter is something we should willingly be doing in front of our children. And here’s the reason: In life, we will disagree with others. People we love, people we work with, professors, and the boss’. Setting an example for our children about how to disagree or argue respectfully, is a valued life skill that some have not been taught.
Teaching this life skill does come with its own warnings and things to watch out for. Here are four tips to keep in mind if you argue or have a disagreement in front of your children.
1. Don’t involve the kids. Don’t ask for their opinion, ask them to pick a side or involve them in anyway. They love both of you and having to side with one parent over the other can lead to feelings of letting the other parent down. Followed by, thoughts of abandoning or hurting the other parents’ feelings.
2. Call a time out if things are getting heated. Before the disagreement turns into a full-blown fight, ask if this is a good time to pause the discussion. But, set a time to reengage or you risk one or both parties feeling unimportant and ignored.
3. Listen with the goal of hearing and understanding the other person. As opposed to, listening for the pause to jump in and make your point. We’ve all done it. We have the zinger of a comeback or a one-liner that will shut down the whole discussion, but we’ve failed to hear and understand what our partner is saying. Consider using mirroring as a way to confirm with your partner that you’ve heard and understood their point.
4. Seek resolution. And remember, if you argue in front of the kids, let them see the resolution. Many times we argue and resolve it later. Try not to leave the cliffhanger for them.
It would be impossible to live life without disagreeing or arguing. This is not among spouses or couples, only but also coworkers, supervisors and other relationships as well. Along with how to properly load the dishwasher and how to cook a basic meal, let’s send our kids into their futures and adulthood with how to have and handle a disagreement.
Being able to have a difficult conversation with tact and respect can mean the difference between living a life of conflict or a life of peace. What a great gift to send our kids into their futures with.
Deborah Porter is a sought-after, influential voice on parenting, motherhood, self and soul care. She is a champion for moms everywhere and works with mothers globally to guide them through the process of learning to be gracious with themselves without the need to compare their motherhood journey with anyone else’s. Deborah is a certified life coach and regular contributor on CBS Virginia This Morning. Her advice column, Balance Life with Coach Deborah in Washington Parent, helps parents navigate the chaos, find their balance and not lose themselves in the role of mom. For more information visit www.deborahporter.net. Deborah’s complimentary Confident Mom e-book and additional tips are available here.
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