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5 Ways to Create Sexual Desire in Marriage
Creating a positive sexual vibe is possible, but it will take time.
So it goes without saying that this seemingly insignificant thing called sexual desire can make or break good sex. In fact, the number one reason long-term couples in North America stop having sex is a lack of sexual desire.
What is sexual desire? It is the thoughts you have toward your sexual experience—good, bad or otherwise.
Can you remember back in the love-haze of a newbie relationship? You waited with bated breath to see, touch, smell, rip clothes off and have wild sex. Because you spent hours positively anticipating sex, by the time you had that wonderful sex you were instantly aroused. Now compare that with your thoughts if sex were initiated today. For too many women "foreplay" becomes days of anxiety, walking on egg shells and wondering when sex will be initiated.
When the sex is initiated, the ability to get sexually aroused takes twice as long (if it happens at all) because she has to get out of her negative thought pattern and into feeling the positive pleasures of her body. Women need at least 10 to 15 minutes of warm up; ironically the same length of the average sexual encounter. Suddenly, the sex is over and she hasn’t had a chance to enjoy herself. Even if she had an orgasm this can create an even deeper resentment towards any future sex act.
Voila, you’ve hit a sex rut and digging yourself deeper every time you have sex. In order to bring the zing back into your sex life, it’s essential to build a positive expectation towards sex.
Unfortunately if a couple has gone years without discussing this negative circumstance, creating positive thoughts towards sex will not happen instantaneously, especially for women who tend to hang onto anger and allow it to linger… sometimes for years. But don’t fret because fixing this situation is doable.
As sex is a team sport, it’s up to both of you to make a concerted effort to persevere and bring the fun back into your marriage. Here are five suggestions to get you started:
1. Good Sex Starts Outside The Bedroom
A little intimacy, affection and touch will go a long way to help a couple easily segue into the bedroom. Make sure to look for ways to have 10 positive and affectionate moments every day.
2. Talk Positively About Sex
Be aware of how sex is communicated between the two of you. Being able to inject some fun, flirty chat into your daily conversation—perhaps about a future sexual encounter—is a simple way to create new, positive sex feelings.
3. Take Turns Planning Out Fun Sex
Too many couples walk into the bedroom without a plan and have the same old (yawn) sex. Variety is the sexy spice of life and will do a lot to enhance your sexual desire. And it’s only fair you take turns initiating new ideas.
Remember, efforts don’t have to be huge: a massage, bath or candles is a nice touch to add flavor to your experience.
4. Understand What You Want Out of the Experience and Communicate that to Your Partner
To help your partner plan out a fun sex evening, let them know what you would like to do. Great idea: Both of you can fill out a "sex wish list" and give it to your partner. Simply exchanging this list will get you all juiced up.
5. Plan an "All About Your Partner" Evening Where You Spoil Them
Once in a while (every few months) think of something nice you can do for your partner. Spoiling your spouse is definitely a win/win proposition on so many relationship levels. Best is when you can tease your partner about what you plan to do—for days.
Creating positive sexual desire doesn’t have to be complicated, although it might take a little time. See for yourself how positively anticipating sex can completely turn your sex life around.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.bestsextipsever.com. To order her book, "Til Sex Do Us Part," click here.
You can also hear more from Dr. Trina Read on the Hitched Podcast.
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