Fighting Fair: The 7 Secrets to a Successful Relationship.

life advice

Fighting Fair: The 7 Secrets to a Successful Relationship.
Navigating anger in a relationship is akin to seasoning a dish; too much can overpower, yet without it, the connection may be bland. Understanding how to fight fairly and authentically express emotions is not only essential but can also be the keystone in
BY BETH FELDMAN, PH.D.

Courtney Clayton
A couple learning what it takes to fight fair.

“ It is the pepper in the mixing bowl-too much and it’s a problem but without it, life is bland.”

While there are many ingredients that go into having a successful, long-term relationship, fighting fair is at the top of my list. The need to be authentic and speak your mind in a relationship is essential, but often causes conflict. Similarly, old buttons from childhood invariably get pushed in your closest relationship and the reaction can be extreme.

Fighting in relationships is unavoidable. The ability to get angry, express that anger and work it through with your partner, will strengthen the sense of trust and understanding that you have with each other.

Anger is a card-carrying member of the emotional register. It is the pepper in the mixing bowl-too much and it’s a problem but without it, life is bland. Allowing anger to emerge spontaneously if you are feeling hurt, disrespected or even frustrated, is not problematic in a relationship. Not fighting fairly, however, can be a deal-breaker.

Here are the seven keys to fair fighting in your closest relationships.

1. Energize your inner voice: Take a breath and figure out what you are angry about and why. Consider what other painful feelings your partner may have triggered, including hurt, humiliation, sadness and disappointment. Ask yourself what old emotional buttons are being pushed that contribute to your strong reaction.

2. Communicate clearly and descriptively: Let your partner know what they are doing that is making you feel angry, hurt, humiliated, etc. Try to avoid gross generalizations (You always….) screaming and using inflammatory language, as this behavior tends to shut down communication. You may feel some satisfaction in the moment, but it won’t lead to your being more understood, or encourage your partner to honestly look at their own behavior.

3. Focus on the present: Don’t dredge up every past hurtful or inconsiderate thing that your partner has done. You are not building a case for a jury.

4.Listen when your partner is explaining how they feel: Don’t craft your response while they are still talking. Trying to see things through your partner’s eyes and understand their motivation is crucial. This does not mean giving up your perspective, it only means trying to understand theirs.

5. Consider your part in any conflict and own what you feel your contribution to the situation is: Others are infinitely more apt to look at their own behavior when you accept some of the responsibility.

6. Take a break when needed: If your anger is spinning out of control or you both seem to be at an impasse, hit the pause button and take a half hour break. Then, reapproach the situation when you and your partner are feeling calmer and are thinking more clearly.

7. Have a remedy in mind: Let your partner know how much they mean to you and what you would like them to do differently in the future.

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion and arguing is a vital part of even the best relationship. An inability to express anger equals an inability to be authentic, to truly be yourself in your closest relationship. There may be little yelling but this inability stifles communication, undermines your emotional bond with your partner, and vastly reduces the resilience of your relationship.

Being able to fight fairly introduces a new kind of emotional freedom between the two of you. It doesn’t mean always getting your way, but it does mean strengthening your voice, feeling understood and learning to compromise in a way that adds a life-enhancing richness to your closest relationship.

Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders. Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”. consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit www.bethfeldmanphd.com.

Pin It

Connect with us: